


placebo effect

by ungelical



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), References to Depression, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 44,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29553468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ungelical/pseuds/ungelical
Summary: Josephine is a girl that never seems to be happy. Her life isn't the way she wants it to be, so she escapes to England for college, not leaving a trace behind. Meeting new people and forming a new identity, she thinks that things are finally ending up perfect.Draco is trying to escape the demons of his life by restarting it new, far away from his own home and school. He tries to erase his past and completely restart, even if it has to be with muggles. Things are finally going well enough.But by now they both should know that things that seem to be too good to be true, usually are.Note: I am American, so some of the wording or descriptions (of England) may be incorrect. I try my best!
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 6





	1. intro

"Josephine, are you with us?" I look up to see my math teacher looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I hastily sit up all the way.

"Yes, sorry." I look down. The teacher nods and goes back to what she's saying. My friend Sage elbows me several times to get me to look at her. She's looking at me strangely.

Sage mouths, "You okay?" and I just nod. Sometimes I get too lost in my head. Not much goes on up there but there's just enough to loose focus on things. I look down at the notes I forgot to take. Oh well. I'm almost done with this school. I don't try much at this point, all of our tests are done and we've already heard back from most colleges.

"Sage," I whisper. She looks at me. "Erm... could you let me look at your notes?" I smile weakly. I do this a lot. She sighs.

She hands them to me reluctantly. "You have to stop doing this Jo, what kind of habit will you make when you go to college?" I smirk. She's always like this. Sage, my best friend, has been for twelve years. A lot of people ask if we're sick of each other. The simple answer is yes. Yes we are. But we can't seem to be close with anyone else. You see, we have an understanding between the both of us. We are the only people who know everything about each other, because besides ourselves, we have no one. And not being best friends means we would be twice as lonely, and I think that's a bit pathetic.

When we were in third grade Sage's parents got in a really violent car accident, they were expected not to live through. I helped her through all of it. Thankfully they recovered after several months. Back then she comforted me about my parental situation as well.. I think she thinks it's gone now though. Ever since I started getting B's and C's regularly in seventh grade (a habit I didn't break quick) my parents started to resent me. And when I started speaking out against them, they didn't like that either. Sage and me help each other through everything, so being best friends just makes sense.

The only difference between us is how many friends we each have. Sage is so nice that she can't refuse anyone, so she's practically friends with everyone. I have a smaller amount of friends.. maybe eleven at most. It's not that having lots of friends bothers me, I'm just too tired to bother with it.

I write down Sage's notes, snorting at how different our handwriting looks. Hers is big and blocky, easy to see, whereas mine is very small cursive, impossible for anyone else to decipher. I changed my writing to cursive a few years ago when I caught someone cheating off an essay I wrote from five feet away. They didn't get caught but they did receive a very strong glare and my beautiful middle finger.

Out of nowhere, the bell rings. Everyone hurries to grab their things as quick as possible. I'm out the door before the teacher can call me over for not paying attention, knowing that Sage will be following close behind.

I turn around in the hallway, waiting for her to catch up. She always insists on wearing heeled boots so she takes forever to walk anywhere. Sage insists that the heel can never be to high, resulting in her wearing 6 to 8 inch heels to school every day. I'm surprised it's even allowed. I think it's also because I made fun of her for being shorter than me, now she towers over me by about 5 inches every day. Annoying.

As she catches up, I ask, "Anywhere you want to go?"

Sage shrugs. "Starbucks maybe? I need energy today, the new season of my favorite show comes out tonight at twelve so I need to be prepared."

"Didn't you already have two this morning?"

"Shove off," she says, resulting in both of us laughing.

"Well," I toss my keys in the air, catching them back in my hand. "Starbucks it is, I guess."

Out of nowhere, our friend Marcus comes up behind us. Sage gets way too startled every time. I've gotten used to it.

"Hey! Where are we going Jo, I see you playing with the keys." I roll my eyes.

"Take a guess." I say.

Marcus looks at Sage, noticing her already pulling out her printer Starbucks menu from her pocket. "Got it," he sighs. "You have to be more original sometimes, Sage." This results in him being hit in the head.

We walk outside to my car, a vintage convertible. It's not the best car to drive around for functional reasons, it's more of a car that you'll show off for the look but I don't care. It's lasted awhile and it lets me and my friends feel like we're in a coming of age movie or something.

Since it's terribly sunny today, I roll down the top so we can get sunburnt on the way to get coffee. That's a joke, but with my pale skin it really isn't. Marcus is a beautiful tan that he got from his mother so he doesn't really care about getting burnt as much. Sage, the one who had to worry the least of all of us with her dark brown complexion is the only one who actually wears sunblock.

Marcus hops in the back because I force him to since he always gets his mixtape to play these weird ass country songs, which gets extremely annoying after about two minutes. I just put on the radio since I don't really care what else is on.

Driving is one thing that completely calms me. Having complete control over something in my life just makes me happy. Soon, I won't have to worry about having no control. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me going.

After about fifteen minutes of driving we reach the Starbucks. I pull up to the drive-thru and me and my friends all order. Once we all have our drinks I drive us to the beach where we get out the ratty old blanket from my trunk. The beach is a beautiful place, but sand gets everywhere and we don't like to deal with it.

In the afternoon here the beach is packed. It's often hard to find a spot on the beach that isn't near a bunch of small kids building sand castles, or making potions from the dirt and sand.

Going here is like a ritual for us every Friday, minus the blood sacrifices. We've done this since sophomore year when I had just gotten my drivers permit. Technically, I wasn't allowed to drive until the year after but I guess me, Sage and Marcus looked old enough for people to not care.

I sigh, sitting down and looking at the waves. Marcus plops down on his back, and Sage lays down on his stomach, having already finished her coffee.

"Do you guys know what you're going to do? Like after we finish school?" Sage asks quietly. "I'm scared that we'll all drift apart and never see each other again... I dunno how I'll survive."

I laugh. "Losing us? Please," The idea is so ridiculous to me, we've been a tight knit group since the beginning of time, at least that's what it feels like. "We'll always be connected, no matter where we are." I try to be reassuring, but I realize my mistake.

"Jo, I thought we were going to college here.. together," Sage says quietly, looking up at me. My eyes are trained on the sky.

Sage has always wanted to stay here, she likes familiarity and the safety it brings, so leaving to a different state or country doesn't appeal to her. In sixth grade we pinky promised each other that we'd go to the same college here, and never leave each others' side. Things have changed now. The only thing keeping me here is my age. I long to travel the world and never return, with no plan whatsoever.

"I dunno about you two, but I got accepted to a school in L.A. It's an acting and arts college. I might finally get to be in a movie like I told you guys about." Marcus says.

I grin. "Well that's amazing! Why didn't you say anything earlier," I ruffle his hair.

"Found out yesterday actually," He takes the acceptance letter out of his back pocket. "Wanted to save it for our special talk day."

Sage grabs the letter and hugs him tightly. "I'm so happy for you Marcus!! And it's wonderful that you won't be so far away.. we can all still spend the weekend together when we go off to college," Sage says excitedly.

Now's the best time to rip of the bandaid. "Actually, I haven't been accepted to anywhere here," I say, covering my eyes subtly to avoid anything.

Sage looks upset when I peek through my fingers. "Well, that's okay right? Because you're gonna go somewhere nearby.. like at the most another state?"

"No, actually I got accepted to a school in England." There it is. Everyone is silent for a second.

Marcus places his hand on my shoulder. "Hey Jo, if you're happy with that, it's fine. We'll still call and everything, you can't run away from us or I'll personally hunt you down."

I giggle. Always the bright one in a situation. Marcus isn't the reaction I'm scared of though.

"I think we should go home now." Sage states, a deep frown etched on her face.

I wilt. "What?"

"I just need some time to process this, that's all. I mean, it's not like we promised or anything!" Sage storms off to the car getting in the backseat. She must be angry if she's letting Marcus anywhere near the aux.

Honestly, I expected this though. It's not a good thing, but whatever.

Marcus and I clean up everything, throwing looks at Sage every few minutes to make sure that she hasn't hijacked my keys and drove off into the sunset.

Marcus leans over my shoulder and whispers, "It's alright, she always comes around one way or another." I nod, and thank him for the reassurance. Sage can't hold on for a grudge for too long.. or will she?

I shudder. "You alright back there?" I tentatively look back at her. She nods solemnly.

What a great way to start an evening.


	2. parents

I close my car door and walk up the front steps to my house. It isn't a very special house.. it looks the same as all the other ones down the coast. Colored light blue and two small stories, with white windows and stairs in the back leading to the ocean. It's a real peaceful place to be, generic and calm. I like living here, it's nice to see the water everyday, but I've always dreamed of the city. The beautiful, loud, chaotic city I know I'll love. I've never been to a major one like New York City or London, but it's where I'd like to be sometime soon. Out on the streets getting drunk with my friends and having the time of my life dancing around in the bright city lights. Not living some life in this boring town. There's such a big contrast between the two. The city I dream of is full of music and light and love, but the town I'm in is full of fences and dull colors and boredom. I bet it can get boring in the city too, but I'd rather be bored there than here.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like my town is small or not nice, it just isn't for me. It's like the suburbs, where you have to drive everywhere and don't get the thrill of being in a place surrounded by people and lights and greatness. Just everything normal and simple. Houses around here belong to husbands who reminisce about the days when they were peaking in high school and mothers who do at home workouts and bring the snacks to their children's soccer games. My parents are similar to this.

They want me to go to a local college and then come back, marry someone from this area, get a job and have children, and work a 9 to 5 every day after getting my kids ready for school. Just the thought of it gives me a bad taste in my mouth. I hate whoever decided this is how we live our lives. What happened to traveling and searching for our soulmates? Or trying to find our dreams? We just give that up for the sense of stability?

I wish we could live however we wanted, to be free from society to travel the world. But I guess some things are just dreams. Getting into college was a nice thing for me, but I hated to lie to my friends. I never applied to any schools in the US at all. I just need to get away from here, the whole deal. I need to go somewhere where I might have a chance to reinvent myself and become a whole new wonderful person. Sure... it's nice to have a few people to be afraid of you, but in the long run I'd rather be loved over hated.

I'm excited to start my new school though, a whole new experience. An experience with all new people, people who have no idea who I am. In all honesty though, I don't' really dream to write or become an author. The writing major I'm taking is only because my real dream is too crazy. Don't get me wrong, I love to write. It just never really got to me the way music does.

The thing I really want to do with my life is become a popstar, or a rockstar. I often imagine myself up on a giant stage with thousands of people in the crowd watching me sing and dance. To have people love my songs and sing them in the car when they come on the radio. The feeling of being adored unconditionally by people. The greatness of it seems to go on and on, but I get too ahead of myself. I mean, it's impossible to get that big in this world. It's a one in a million chance and a shit ton of work. Work that I'll never be capable enough to do.

I mean, if I were to rise to stardom I just know that I'd mess it up. Mess up so badly that everyone will hate me. Mess up so bad that I'll fall into a hole with no ladder to help me up.

It's okay though. I've accepted what I'll get out of this world. It might not be what I dream of, but it's close enough. And who knows? Maybe I'll meet my soulmate along the way. I honestly doubt it though. Soulmates with me? Sounds like a nightmare.

I look at the setting sun as I unlock the front door. I wish it was sunset forever. Sunset is the most beautiful time of day. Where everything starts to calm down after being awake for so long. Where you can watch the sun be swallowed up by the waves in an array of yellows, oranges, reds and purples. I sigh. How simple life would be if I were a sun. Not that I'd want to be. Sometimes chaos is something we need.

I push open the door to my house, closing it behind me as I enter. The lights are still off and it smells like the muffins my father made this morning. I go through the entrance to the kitchen where I can prepare dinner while watching the sun, and maybe getting to watch a bit of tv. Not in front of my parents though. Whenever I do they yell at me for being distracted, talking about how I'll burn the kitchen down. I think they're a bit dramatic.

Before getting started, I throw my backpack on the couch and turn on the lights in the kitchen. On days like this I'm expected to make dinner because if I don't, my parents will eat to late and we don't want that. I'm already drained from the day so I decide to just make pasta. I take the frozen sauce out of the freezer (leftover sauce I made a week ago) and put it into a tall pot over the stove. The pasta is easy enough to make, so once everything is set I grab another pot and set it to boil. While that's heating up, I go over to the couch to sit for awhile.

Since school is basically over, I don't really do the work anymore. Call me an idiot but I've already got accepted to my dream school. What more can people want? I'm only one girl.

I turn on the television for noise in the background. I don't know why, but sometimes I just can't stand silence. Sometimes silence is nice and comforting, like in my room or the library while I'm reading a book. Other times it's suffocating. It feels lonely and it's so loud. Who knew silence had a noise? To drown it out you have to put something else on in the background. I always have something on, whether it be music, the radio or the T.V. It helps me feel less lonely.

I stare at my phone, wondering if I should call to apologize to Sage. Honestly, I don't understand why she isn't happy for me going off to my dream school. She gets to go to hers and I get to go to mine. What's bad about that? But, I do really need to say something. I can't lose one of my best friends over something so petty.

Just as I'm about to type in her number the door bursts open. My parents. I was hoping they'd take longer to get here, but I guess not.

"Jo, are you in?" I hear my mother say in her high pitched voice. I know she can't help it, but god it gives me a headache.

"Over here," I say, lounging on the couch. Mother enters the room and crosses her arms. I know the look she has on her face. It's that really annoying judgy face parents have when their kid has done something wrong. Except the difference is that I haven't done anything wrong as far as I can tell.

She sighs. "Shouldn't you be making dinner or doing your work? You know that you can't just sit around and do things like that. I work all day so you can have food on your plate and clothes to wear and you can't even make one dinner? It's three days a week that we expect of you and you can't even do that." As my mother is speaking she's walking closer and closer to the couch with that horrible expression. What does she expect? That I cook everything perfectly? Sorry Mother but I have my own things to do as well. Also, I'm not a fucking housewife.

"Did you even look? I made pasta," I say irritably, looking away from her to see the TV.

She's silent for a moment. "Well shouldn't you be attending that then? Instead of laying down like a slob? Especially in that position. Someone will mistake you for a whore." She leaves the room, probably to go critique my pasta.

I look down at my position. I'm just sitting here with one foot resting on top of the couch and the other on the floor. Oh. It must be the fact that my legs are spread widely. How dirty minded of her. I'm not going to lie though, whenever she says things like that I brush it off, but it really hurts inside. It reminds me of that one time in middle school when I was singing a song that I liked that had some sexual innuendos. She gave me a speech about how I can't go around saying those things because she can't have a slut for a daughter. Honestly, it's not like I was going around asking for people to bang me or something! I was twelve years old! She always seems to find a way to mention something about how I look trashy or bad.

And don't get me wrong, one little remark about me doesn't hurt. But each insult is like a stab to my stomach. One after another they hurt more and more. And before you know it, I've been stabbed so many times it feels numb and I'm bleeding out.


	3. undeserving

"So, how was your day today sweetheart?" My dad asks me, walking in the door. He usually gets here a bit later than my mother because his job is farther away. He hangs up his coat and hugs me. My dad is a really sweet man, well, until he's not. As long as I stay on his good side he's all sweet and giving. When I'm not on this side he acts very differently. I think he has anger issues but I don't want to be the one to tell him that.

I look at the ceiling trying to find an answer to the question he asked, as if it'll answer my questions like a person. I give up. "It was fine, Dad. How was your day at work?" He brightens. My dad loves what he does, working as an accountant. Let me tell you, it's the most boring job ever. But he loves math and makes sure everyone else does too. I bet he thinks the person who invented it is god itself. I disagree with that. I think whoever created math deserves a kick in the balls. I hate math with a passion. It's pointless and it's stupid and I hate it. I don't feel like I need to elaborate.

After my dad is done talking about all the work he had today and me drowning him out, he asks, "So is dinner ready yet?"

I sigh. "Yes, Dad it is. Food is all you can ever think about isn't it?"

He chuckles. "You know me too well. How are those grades going? You know that you can't let them slip or I'll block your cell service again. No more calling your friends."

Ha. Ha. Little does he know that I got my own provider. Since I'm a working woman I can afford it. No more threatening my phone and no more doing my work. It's a win win for me.

"My grades are going brilliantly! Either way, it doesn't matter. School is done on Wednesday so they've already accounted the grades and things." I grimace as I grab plates from the cabinet and begin to set them out.

"Josephine, you know your grades are still important. Don't you want to get into college? Have you even applied?" He asks disappointingly. One other thing. Neither of my parents know that I've been accepted to college. They're like Sage, they want me to stay here. I think at one point my mother said that if I even thought about going to a college in a different state she'd disown me. A joke of course, but not really. She explained that she 'isn't having any family far away'.

I don't know her deal. Don't people need breaks from others sometimes? Long breaks? Even extremely long breaks? It's annoying. She's a confrontational person but whenever I run into problems I usually take off and try to never think about it again. This usually works, but it's also not a way to solve problems. Oh well.

"Of course I've applied, I haven't gotten results back yet. Maybe I just won't go to college," I lie. Wrong thing to lie about.

My mother enters the kitchen looking livid. "What the hell do you mean you aren't going to college?" She yells.

"I just mean, maybe it isn't for me!" I say, my voice low. Even if I wasn't lying, what's wrong with not wanting to go to college? It isn't for everyone!

"I can't believe that you're going to be a disappointment! You have to go to college to be successful! You can't get a job without it. Where are you going to be for the rest of your life? A tattoo parlor turning into an alcoholic while poisoning your body with those repulsive images? A part of some biker's club? A stripper? God who knows!" Mother screams. She paces around the kitchen using her arms to angrily express her point.

I barely process her words. All I hear is disappointment. The word repeats itself in my mind over and over again, mixing with other words.

"Your mother's right." My father says, face red with anger. "You're the worst thing that's happened to us. I know that me and your mother didn't raise such an utter disgrace!"

Disappointment. Disgrace. You're the worst thing that happened to us. Mistake. You're a disappointment and a mistake. Don't try to deny it, because you know it's all true.

Before I scream at the voices in my head, I quickly grab my bag and my phone and run out of the door, not bothering to take my shoes along with me. I can hear my parents yelling after me and running. I bet they don't even regret what they've said. I mean, all I am is a disgrace and a disappointment and a mistake. That's all I'll ever be.

At this point hot tears are falling down my face as I struggle to turn on my car and pull out of the driveway. There's a whisper at the back of my head telling me to be careful so I won't get into a car crash and there's another one that tells me that maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe the world's better off without such a disappointment. I drive to the familiar beach I was at with my friends earlier today. However, the circumstance is incredibly different.

Before I climb out of my car I make sure to bring my journal with me. I clutch it to me like it's the only thing in the world, because it feels a bit like that right now. I stumble down the beach with it in my arms. Now, it's cool out and the shine of the moon has come out to show off. The silver light falls on the sand and makes it look paler than usual. I collapse down onto the soft sand, not even making it halfway. It feels haunting here at night, almost. Like there isn't a soul in sight.

No one wants to be around you. Not even ghosts.

I cry even harder. What did I do to be fortunate enough to live? Why? I don't deserve it. I don't deserve all of this. I turn over so my eyes are looking at the sky and I'm facing the moon. I slowly sit up, feeling different from usual. Contrasting from the cold, hot tears make their way down my face and onto my lap. One drips onto my hand.

I open my journal with shaking hands, bringing out the pen, flipping to the page I most desperately need to see. The page where I write what I am. I furiously scribble new words down, one after another.

Disappointment.

Disgrace.

Mistake.

Slut.

Bitch.

Undeserving.

Ungrateful.

Waste.

Rude.

Selfish.

Waste of space.

For some reason writing all of this down makes me feel better. Sometimes it takes me a long time to come to terms with what I am but seeing it written down here in my messy handwriting makes it all apparent. I am something. But maybe I should be nothing. I don't deserve all I have. What I deserve is to be burning and paying for what I do. Why does the world let me get away with it?

I run back to my car, taking the razor out from when Marcus insists on shaving in my car. This is my punishment. I deserve it.

For everything I've done I deserve to feel this pain. But at the same time it feels wrong. I look at my clear arms that glow in the moonlight. I think for a moment.

I can't do this to him.

Who is him? He's my soulmate. I don't know who he is yet, but I know I will soon. And what will he think when I have ugly bruises and scars on my arms? He'll be disappointed and hurt and upset. And what kind of person will I be if I do that? I can't possibly.

But I can't help the voice in my mind telling me to do it.

It'll feel so good. It's what you deserve.

But the thing is, it's not what I deserve. I might not deserve much, but I know torturing myself won't help anything.

I begin to hurriedly start scooping sand from the ground, trying to dig a hole. I dig far enough down that I begin to feel cool water at my fingertips. There's a pile of sand at my left. I take the razor with my shaky hands and gently place it at the bottom of the hole. I go to cover it up, watching the sand fall back to where it was before. I don't stop until it looks just as it was before I left the razor down there. I sigh.

I stand up and brush the sand off of my legs and arms. My feet unconsciously carry me to the edge of the water. I gaze out into the ocean, feeling proud of myself. Proud that I was able to shut the voices out for a moment. Proud that I took care of myself, my body. But I also feel sad. Because as much as I'm proud of myself for being strong, I feel more lonely than ever.


	4. layla

I wake up the next morning laying on the sand. There's only a few people on the beach now, it's extremely early in the morning. The crisp air flies around and the cool water nips at the sand, nearly touching my feet. I don't remember falling asleep here last night, but oh well.

I look over to see an older couple walking down the beach, hand in hand. I smile. They look so happy together. I wonder if I'll ever have someone to make me happy like that one day. Near me, there's a few young boys starting to build a sand castle, an older woman watching them from behind, who I assume is their mother. No one here has questioned the strange girl sleeping on the ground. I could be dead and they'd never know.

I stand up and brush the sand off my legs and arms. It's a bit chilly this morning, but the good kind of cold. It feels peaceful and nice here. I look out into the now light ocean, wondering if someone else is looking right back at me. That's unrealistic though, there's barely anything facing here.

It reminds me of the time some kid at the beach who was on vacation told me that if you dig far enough you can make it to China. My young self believed him with everything I had. We dug and dug and dug until there was a puddle at the bottom of our hole.

Spoiler alert. We never found China.

I wonder what he's up to now. It was years ago that we met, and only that one time. One of the things I remember about him is that he had this funny accent, but my young self didn't know what kind it was. I can't remember anymore now. He had this almost white blond hair and the bluest of eyes. The first time I went up to him I thought he was an angel. I wonder what the angel child is up to now.

I sigh and turn my eyes away from the water, heading back to my car slowly. I don't want my parents to know where I've been, it's embarrassing. So instead I drive to the gym to take a shower. I've only used the gym a few times because I was insecure about my body. I've always been on the skinnier side but I have wide ribs so growing up I thought I was fat; a result of not looking as skinny as the other girls. A few months ago I finally achieved the flat stomach I wanted and gave up after I couldn't get a thigh gap.

I get out of my car and grab my spare bag from the back of my car. Inside it carries two outfits for when nights like these happen. Believe it or not, this is not the first time I've spent at the beach. I'm surprised I don't have a lot of mosquito bites.

Walking through the doors, I notice someone already at the desk up front. It's Layla, my favorite desk girl. Or whatever they call the person who sits at the front.

"Another rough night?" she asks.

Every time after I break down on the beach I come here. It's become a routine for her to see me. I'm not upset about it though, she's the only one who knows about it. One time I was still upset the morning after and she held me when I cried.

"Yeah," I say while rubbing the back of my neck. "Same old thing. You know I never come around here to workout anymore."

We both share a laugh. I'm glad we can make humor out of my situation. It makes it feel less pressured for me. One of the many reasons why I love Layla.

She walks over and puts her arm around my shoulder. "Got accepted into any colleges yet? Even the lord knows that you need to get out of here."

I giggle. "You know it. I'm starting at a university in the fall, but I'm hoping to move there as soon as school is over."

"Do your friends know about it? Yanno, you moving and everything?"

I sigh. "Not yet, I just dropped the bomb about me moving to England yesterday. I wouldn't expect them to like that fact very much. And well, you know that they don't know what happens at home. Only you do."

"Well kid, I don't know what feels right for you, but I think you need to tell your friends. Might as well rip the band-aid off all at once right? Saves the trouble."

Layla ruffles my hair before going to sit back down at her desk.

"I'll tell them today, Layla, I promise."

She looks up at me and nods proudly. "I'm glad things are starting to look up for you."

I smile tentatively. "Me too. And thanks for everything."

"Anything for you, you're like the little sister I never had."

Layla has four older brothers. At this point, most of them are married and have kids, but she hated to grow up with them. Her mother always wanted a girl and didn't stop trying for it until she had one.

Walking through the gym, I realize this is probably the last time this will ever happen here. The shame routine as I call it. Not as bad as the walk of shame as I've heard. Sage once had to after hooking up with a college girl. She hasn't had a hookup since.

I'm not nearly as experienced as she is. I haven't kissed anyone before, but once when I was fifteen and drunk I ended up losing my virginity. I don't remember it happening, which is probably for the best. Don't ask me how we hooked up without kissing, I don't know either. The whole experience is something that I want to erase to the back of my head. I don't even remember who it was with, just that it was some kid my age who moved away a few months after it happened. I shudder.

I peel off my sandy wet clothes and place them in a pile next to the shower. It's already running since I set it on hot a minute or two ago. I love when a shower is so hot it practically scalds you, once you get used to it it's actually quite nice.

I rinse all the sand and grime off my body and rub the dried tears off my face. Showering here in the morning is honestly one of my favorite things. I always feel new and refreshed after finishing a breakdown. Like all of my built up emotions have been released.

After my shower finishes I fish an outfit out of my bag and put it on. It's a sheer white turtleneck with a beige and brown argyle style sweater vest over it. I pull up my dark grayish-blue jeans and belt, and put on my fresh oxford shoes. Marcus always says I should add more color to my outfits but I like how I look. It makes me feel like a dark mysterious english student or something. I love it.

I walk out of the shower room quickly to ask Layla for a paper bag for my dirty clothes. No way am I putting those in my nice bag.

When I step out Layla asks me to do a spin. "I never know where you get all these nice clothes. My whole closet is just sweatshirts and leggings."

I laugh. "Honestly me neither, I just do a shit ton of shopping. Like it's one of my main stress relievers, you know? Getting new clothes always makes me excited." I explain while slipping my backpack on. "Layla, is this the last time I'll see you before I move away?"

"Of course not, I'll be at your graduation. It's at five thirty on Friday, right?"

"Yes! I'm so glad you're coming. Honestly if I had the choice I would want you to adopt me."

Layla chuckles. "If only. Now go to your job! You're gonna be late."

I go in for a quick hug before she shoo's me out the door. I'm gonna miss her a lot. But she is right, I'll be late for my job. The job which I'll have to quit sometime this week. I really don't want to, but I can't just disappear on them.

I work at this beautiful bookstore downtown. It was built when I was eleven or twelve and I fell in love with it. Almost every day after school I would drag Sage and Marcus to the bookstore to hang out. As soon as I turned sixteen I applied for a job and got approved, the owner grew a fondness for me and I bet it's the reason why I got the job in the first place. I love how it's not crazy busy all the time so I can read all the books in the store. It's like a dream to work there. I'm a cashier so I just sit at a table while I'm there and I get to read books. What more could a girl ask for?

Pulling up to the store, I noticed the display in the front had changed. It isn't an extremely flashy store to be honest, in the front there's a big sign that spells out the name of it, but besides that there's just a bunch of books on display in the windows. It's a pretty modern building, nothing like you would imagine. Typically when you think of a bookstore you think of a tiny little cozy building you'd see in a fairy-tale or something. This bookstore is open and modern. The ceilings are pretty high and it's very open. In the left corner there's a little food and coffee bar with seating around and the rest of the shop is filled with books. There's actually two floors to the building. You enter on the second and the center of the floor is hollowed out with a railing around the middle so you can see down to the second floor, stairs connect to this. The second floor is below and they're mostly adult books. The ones I enjoy more are on the top floor. I work in the kids section where I obsess over the young adult novels. there's a twelve to fourteen section and a fifteen to eighteen section. I read from both of those sections.

I walk into the backroom and place my bag down before putting my phone in my back pocket. I grab my work lanyard and walk back out into the store to sit at the desk where I check people out. I look over at the bookshelves and pick out a new book that just arrived in.

My happy place.


	5. nearly done

I am not excited to say the least. For context, it is Thursday morning. Usually one of my favorite days of the week because Thursdays are usually cloudy or rainy (they just give off that vibe I guess) and I absolutely love rainy weather. It's very calming to me. But unfortunately today is the day before graduation. The day before the day before I completely leave the country.

Honestly, I'm not the least bit stressed about getting there, I've already been prepared for that. I got tickets months ago when I had just gotten accepted to university in England and I already know where I am going to stay during the summer and during the school year. I'm going to stay in this old fashioned Victorian era house with five other people I believe. On the school social website page there was an area to drop your email, in case people wanted to "make friends" or whatever. I put mine up because I was bored, and this girl, Anna emailed me. We talked back and forth for about an hour until she asked about my living arrangements. I obviously replied that I had no idea, so she offered that I could stay with her and some of her friends at a house because they had an empty bedroom at the house they're staying at. I happily agreed because obviously I need somewhere to eat and sleep and bathe for the three years I'll be in college.

Also I applied for a job at a bookstore and surprisingly I got the job. Both of them are very crucial to me keeping my apartment and college tuition prices managed. Thankfully college in Europe isn't nearly as expensive as it is in the states, but it is still fairly costly. I have a bit saved up from my job but it's still minimum wage so it's actually not that much. Hopefully the two jobs will keep me afloat though. I have no idea what I would do if I don't.

However, I have many other things to stress about this week. How am I going to sneak out of my house? How am I going to explain to my best friends that I'm leaving and not looking back? This makes me realize what a shit person I am for just leaving them in the dark like this. I guess I was just been embarrassed of the stuff that goes on at home that I couldn't bring myself to speak to them. It feels a bit pathetic to be honest, but it's the hard truth.

I hope they won't think of me too badly but I am honestly terrified to tell them. Marcus is usually chill about things but he doesn't like to be left in the dark, which was understandable. However, Sage is pretty sensitive about things but she's a bit more reasonable sometimes. One time in sixth grade, a few months before things started to become tense with my parents they surprised me with a trip to Disney Land the day before we went. I forgot to inform Sage and Marcus about this so they spent a week wondering where I was and if I was dead or not. At the time I didn't have a phone so I couldn't contact them, even though I could've told them about the trip the day at school before I left. I don't remember why I didn't tell them, all I know is that it was a stupid move.

When I came back to school the next week with a Disney shirt on and a load of stories to tell they were a bit... angry, to say the least. Marcus held the grudge for a bit of time (four days) before deciding to forgive me for forgetting to tell him. Also for not inviting him along. I understood though, if he had taken off out of nowhere I would be pissed too.

Sage forgave me after about two hours. She told me that she was just happy I was alive and not in the hospital. It made me feel pretty bad actually. Sage was one of the sweetest girls in the world and I loved her for it. Also I needed to appreciate her more.

One of my favorite times we spent together was when we decided to go down to the beach for a photo shoot, shot by ourselves obviously. I wore a dark purple dress with puffy princess sleeves and a length that dropped to my ankles. I adored that dress because it was my favorite color. Sage wore her favorite light green dress that she wore as much as she could. She loved it because it matched her name and everyone told her how pretty she looked whenever she wore it. It was a long dress with a few layers but the top was only held up like a tank top. I'm pretty sure both dresses were from this children's store at the mall.

That day we raced to the beach with my dad's fancy camera that I "borrowed" and began taking pictures together in the strangest poses, giggling every time we looked back. We each took a few solo shots being as dramatic as we could, trying to look like the Disney princesses in the movies. We even took four different tries to get a shot of us running into the waves while holding hands. That was the day that we met Marcus. He was new to town, having moved from Chicago and wanted to make friends. His bold personality and funny jokes made us all best friends by the end of the day. Ever since that we were all inseparable.

After all those years I still keep some of those photos in my room, carefully hung up on my wall. I really love them with all of my heart. We always promised to never keep secrets from each other but here I am, doing just that.

I walk into school, wearing my dark brown jeans and white mock neck sweater tucked in, my long black blazer coat on my shoulders as well. I love this coat so much, it makes me feel so powerful and intimidating. Walking through the halls with my big coat and platformed oxfords makes me feel like I'm at the top of the world. It's just a feeling that nothing can compare to. This coat is fucking incredible.

I reach my locker and open it quickly, looking inside to find the journal I'll need for the morning. I have a morning journal and an afternoon journal. Neither of them are for taking notes, they're both for drawing and writing random things in class while I'm bored. Both of them are nearly filled to the brim because god forbid one of my teachers be interesting. I drop the morning journal into my tote bag that I use to carry my school things. See, at the end of the year most people just don't bother to bring backpacks because they're an absolute waste of space, so they just take tote bags or reusable shopping bags instead. Technically we're supposed to bring backpacks but the teachers don't really care considering they don't really feel like yelling at half of the school for something so stupid.

There's only one teacher that I know of that cares so much about it. Her name is Mrs. Jensen or something like that, I don't really bother to know her name. She always stands out in the first floor hallway by the stairs to check if people have proper bags or dress appropriately. All she does is bark at kids who don't listen, it's so annoying because she never does shit about it. Mrs. Jensen is like a little chihuahua who thinks they're intimidating by their little yapping.

Sometimes even the principal goes up to her and tells her to go back to her class. Embarrassing on her side. Maybe it's the looks or the voice or literally everything. Probably everything to be honest.

Today is one of the days I have to walk by her to get to my class, which is the closest to her staircase on the first floor. I'm honestly considering going a different way because I just don't feel like dealing with her but I'm already running late as it is. Oh well.

I walk into her hallway and try to discretely make it past her. As always, she manages to catch me.

"Miss Hillman?" She calls out in her whiny ass voice. I swear to god her voice sounds like the human equivalent to nails on chalkboard. She beckons me forward. "No need to be scared dear." She says sweetly. Oh how wrong you are, I have every right to be scared. And a little bit disgusted.

"Is there something you need?" I ask, forgetting to take out the passive aggressive tone in my voice. I'm going to be late to my class and I'm going to have to walk in while everyone's already there. They're all going to stare at me. I hate when people stare at me like that. Look somewhere else or something. Just not at me.

Mrs. Jensen flicks a nonexistent piece of dust off her shoulder. "Why are you wearing that dreadful coat again?" She asks, but it sounds more like a statement.

I snort. "Because I like it." Duh.

"Well do you realize that it's distracting to students? It's specifically noted that all coats, jackets, sweatshirts and such should be left in lockers. I have no choice but to take it away for the day."

No way in hell is she taking my jacket.

So, of course, the only way to get her to stop is this. I spit on my hand and rub it all over the front of my coat.

"If that didn't make it clear enough, I'm keeping my coat. I'm graduating tomorrow and there's no need for this. My coat isn't distracting anyone. Maybe they should mind their business instead." I say. Sometimes my anger gets the best of me and I say things I wouldn't typically say if I were feeling normal.

She looks like she's about to respond but I really don't have time for it. I quickly make my way up the stairs and feel a bit proud for standing up for myself. My coat makes me feel safe and warm and intimidating and nice. I won't ever stop going on about how I love it.

I rush into my class, thankfully not the last one in. The last one in is actually this obnoxious boy who thinks that making fun of women and minorities are funny jokes. Thankfully he gets a scolding from our teacher. It's what he deserves.

I turn to the two people next to me, Sage and Marcus. It's time.

"There's something I need to tell you."


	6. finally

Being alone and being lonely are two completely different things. 

Right now, I feel lonely, but I'm not alone. I'm on a plane. On the plane that will take me to England and the rest of my life awaiting me. 

Being alone is when you're completely and utterly by yourself in a physical sense. when you're locked up in your room at night and no one else is around, you're alone. When you've bought a new apartment and don't have anyone over, you're alone. When you're walking down the sidewalk at night and listening to music, you're alone. Being alone isn't a bad thing to me. I actually love to be alone. Being alone is when you get to know yourself, and where you'll always be most comfortable. Because when you're alone no one is there to judge you. 

Being lonely is completely different. For example, I get joy from being alone, being lonely doesn't bring out this feeling. Loneliness isn't when you're by yourself in your house. Loneliness can happen even when you're around a hundred people, even a thousand. Loneliness is a feeling, not a place. You could be in the airport sitting by yourself, looking around and seeing everyone with their significant others or families. That's when you feel lonely. Or when you're at school and everyone has a partner but you. Or when people express how much their best friend or lover means to them and you wish with all of your heart that you could have someone like that. 

Even though I've had Sage and Marcus practically my whole life (of what I can remember) I can't relate to them like they can with each other. With Sage only liking girls and Marcus liking girls and boys it's quite difficult to relate to them in that sense, them facing people who might not think who they love is right. Also, they have to face some racial inequalities at school sometimes, ones that I never have faced. Sage is afraid to drive because her family is originally from Ghana. A year before we would be able to drive, her cousin was shot by a police officer for having his phone on the dashboard of his car and the police "thought" it was a weapon. Marcus's family is from India, his mother and father grew up there and English is their second language. They have accents because they didn't know how to speak English for years before they decided to move to the U.S. I've met his parents many times and they're the kindest people I've ever met. They always offer so much and they're the most comfortable people I've ever been around. Yet, when they go to school for parent-teacher conferences or things like that some kids hear them speak and mimic their accents or speak to Marcus in a mocking way. They ask Marcus why he doesn't speak like that when they clearly know that he grew up in America with English as his first language. I doubt that people would've made fun of his parents' accents if they were from a place like France. 

Even though I know of their struggles, I'll never know what they feel like. What it feels like to have people treat you badly just because of your culture, your skin, your language or accent. It's always something they speak to each other about, and I respect it. It's not my place to tell them how to react. If something is offensive to them I need to respect that. 

They have an unbreakable bond from that. Some say that common trauma or experiences makes it a lot easier to connect with someone, and even though we all have that connection, theirs is stronger. I bet if I could someone who has parents like mine, we'd be able to bond quickly and wonderfully. I feel like my problems aren't a big deal compared to theirs. 

This makes me think back to the day before, and the day previous to that when I'd promised myself I would tell them my problems. The thing is, I never did. 

Two days ago (Thursday)

"There's something I need to tell you." I spit out quickly. 

Marcus looks at me, seeming a bit bewildered. "You alright Jo? or just nervous for graduation, like us?" He puts his arm around Sage, expressing who he was speaking of. 

I think for a moment. What the hell am I doing? I can't just tell them all this. I'll be in another country by Saturday, I don't need them to worry about me. 

"Oh... yeah, me too. I just got really freaked out. Life is moving so fast, yanno?"

Sage smiles widely at me. "Yup. I'm glad that we all got these memories, and I'm glad that we all get to chase our dreams." She puts a hand over mine. "Even if our dreams are halfway across the world like yours seem to be."

I knew she wouldn't stay mad for long. "Thank you for understanding Sage. Really, it means a lot to me." I flip my hand over so it's holding hers, and I squeeze my hand to show my gratefulness. 

"I just didn't want our time as friends to end on a bad note. And it's not like we won't call or text at all, right?" Sage looks up at me hopefully with her brown eyes. 

I nod, happy that we'll end on a good note. My friends will remember me the way I want them to. Marcus takes my other hand, linking it, doing the same thing with Sage. 

"No matter what, we've always got each other. We've been enough together for a long time, and I think that's pretty nice, so I hope that our friendship bond will never break. I love you guys," Marcus says, blushing and biting his lip.

"Of course Marcus, we love you too! I could never let either of you go!" 

But now, I find myself doing just that. I look out through the plane window, watching Los Angeles fade behind me. Watching all my old life fade behind me. I feel relaxed. Everything I left behind is gone now. Everything I hate about my life is gone, and I won't ever see it again. 

Making peace with my past is something I've never been keen on. I don't like to be a burden, and I was that to my parents. When I was born my original name was Rue. My parents didn't really want children, they thought that kids are gross and aren't good for anything until they can work. But,my parents are also firm believers that abortion is murder, and even though that belief is complete bullshit I don't completely hate being alive. Sometimes feeling things is nice. And if I was still a sperm cell I wouldn't be able to feel the things I do. 

Anyways, my given birth name was Rue. Why do you go by Josephine? Is a question I get asked often. You see, Rue means regret and I was my parent's regret. I didn't want my existence to mean this, so I chose a name I loved and went with it. 

When I was four or five I was at my grandmother's house and I asked her to read me her favorite story, no matter how long and confusing it was. Ever since I was young I love to read and I don't think I'll ever stop. My grandmother agreed, she always wanted me to be the smartest I could be. She didn't regret me, she had always wanted a grandchild. So when I was young she was my absolute favorite person. SO when I asked her to read me her favorite book , she went upstairs and brought down an extremely old book I could tell got a lot of love over the years. 

"This book is an original copy of the story Little Women. It was my grandmother's book, she got it from her mother. And now, after I read it to you, I want you to have it and love it just like they did. You see, my great grandmother got this book when it first came out, back as a teenager. When she was a mother, her first daughter loved books just as she did. So when her daughter, my grandmother, was given the book she treasured it just as much. Now, my mother did not like to read one bit. She wasn't the brightest tool in the shed; she loved playing with dolls and speaking mindless gossip with the other girls at school. When my grandmother tried to give her the book, she threw it on the ground and said "books are for nerds and losers" so instead of breaking the new tradition, my grandmother gave me the book. Now, you know your mother. She hates books just as much. So even though you're not a teenager yet, I'm giving this to you."

I was filled with happiness when Grandmother gave me that book. I could feel the history in my fingertips, as silly as that sounds. So that day, my grandmother read the whole story to me, not minding that she had to pause about every 10 minutes to explain what was happening. By the time it finished, I loved the main character, Josephine (Jo) March. I wanted to be just like her. Doing what she wanted and following her passions; not letting men or society control her. Beginning that day, I was Jo. Just like her. 

I still have the copy of Little Women. I read it at least once every few months. Home is a physical place, but to me it's that book. Home is a place where you feel warm and loved, it's a place where you feel most comfortable, and that book is home to me. It's so wonderful and familiar, it's the one thing I'll never leave behind. 

Now, the plane is up in Canada, leaving the continent behind. I look out as the sky darkens and the lights of the city at the edge of Canada are falling behind. Soon enough, we're over the dark Atlantic. This is the same ocean the Titanic sank in, I think to myself. I'd never seen the Atlantic before, but it looks the same as the Pacific, except maybe it's a bit more of a sapphire blue. 

I wish that I'd left America behind on a good note. Leaving there meant leaving a lot of baggage behind and a lot of regrets. I never told my friends when I was going, at the end of graduation I just told them that I'd see them tomorrow, around 12 o'clock. Little did they know, by that time I'd be long gone. I left my house at 5 am to get to LA on time, careful not to wake up my parents. My father went to my graduation but my mother didn't bother going. In her words, "It isn't worth going if she was barely good enough to pass." My father must've felt bad about it though, because after I got my diploma he surprised me with flowers and telling me he was proud of me. He told me that he knew I would find my way and he was sorry for being mean the other day, even though I needed to hear it. I would've accepted his apology if he hadn't added in the "but you still deserved it" part. 

Sage was crying and Marcus looked as excited as someone could possibly look. Marcus's parents came up to us and congratulated me and Sage, telling us they were so proud before going to Marcus and tackling him with hugs and kisses. His parents were always the most enthusiastic people. He was embarrassed of it, but I knew Marcus secretly loved his parents' affection. Sage's dad came and gave all of us hugs before retreating back behind his wife. He was always very shy and usually hid in his office whenever Marcus and I came over their house. On the other hand, Sage's mom is one of the most sunshiny people I've ever met. She was tall and gave the best hugs. When I went to hug her she whispered, "Congrats on the graduation sugar," before laughing and going to give Marcus a hug as well. Before we all left to go eat, she gave Marcus and I each a large tupperware of cookies, her treat. 

After that, me and my two friends sat on the beach one last time, where we decided to meet the next day. To them it was unknowingly our last time together and it filled my stomach with a bad feeling, one that made my tummy curl up and my heart feel heavy. I wanted to tell them I was leaving so bad, but they would be angry with me and I didn't want our last time together be spent fighting. 

"Hey folks, captain speaking. We have just arrived in London. It is currently 7:23 am and 19 degrees Celsius. Today expect it to be warm and sunny, I hope you enjoyed flying with Jetblue Airlines." 

I shake my head out of my thoughts, realizing that I'm really truly here. I stand up and grab my small suitcase from the above compartments and make my way to the front of the plane, still in a daze. Thanking the flight attendants and captain, I make my way down the ramp and into the airport.

England, here I am.


	7. arrival

Right now, I am outside of a vinyl store. I didn't really know they had any of these here, but I guess you learn something new every day. And, I am American. My knowledge of geography or any other country than my own is not extensive.

This is just down the street from the house that I'll be staying at is. It's a lovely street, the ground is cobblestone and most people are walking through the middle. only on the occasion do cars go this way, but only to pass through. It's wonderful and peaceful, it reminds me of how the streets looked in those old fashioned movies. Or maybe how the streets in Paris are? I don't really know. But there are nice little shops lining each side, most of the buildings are made from bricks and wood and are fairly dull in color. They have this old charm though, that the modern streets in American cities don't seem to have.

I step into the vinyl shop, the bell on the door ringing as I enter. There's a few people in here but not many of them look my age. A couple is to the side, probably in their early teens, how lucky they most be to grow up here. On the other side is an older man, probably in his 40's or 50's. At the back of the store, through the racks of records is a cashier who seems just about as interested in working as I am in cars. That means he looks bored as hell.

Being here reminds me of all the precious records I had collected myself at home, and their own fate.

-

Today was a stressful day, I had to catch up on all my work from the past... 1, 2, 3, 4, well month. Being a junior in high school meant I had a shit ton of things to do, things I had no desire to do,, but my deadline was in three days and I wasn't looking forward to having all D's and F's. Fuck my life.

I shook all of my papers off of my lap and went across the room to my desk, where my record player sat. I took out my favorite record from my bin of them, sitting on the ground next to the desk and placed it into the player gently. This player was my pride and joy. I took money from my school fund and used it to purchase the player about four months ago and I hadn't regretted it since. It was my escape from reality, my wonderful records. The music took me to different places, wonderful places I desired to be. It made just about everything easier, including work. I set the volume up a few notches, only my father was home at the time and he was across the house doing work on his computer, so I would be fine.

The music picked up and I sighed out of delight. Sure I could've purchased music to put on a mixtape with headphones, but there was nothing compared to it being physically there, it felt so much more real. It may not make any sense to you, but it does to me. I started to gently dance around closing my eyes and enjoying the music. What a wonderful thing my record player was. I went back over to my bed and went to finish up the math work I was doing. Then, out of nowhere, my father barged into the room. I shrieked out of surprise.

"Dad, what are you doing! I could've been changing, oh my god! Has someone died or something?" I yelled out of surprise.

"No, but why the hell do you have that music on while I'm working? It's a distraction!" He looked at me angrily.

I set my worksheet down. "It's to help me focus! I can't do my work well without it."

He rolls his eyes at me. "Well who pays the bills in this house? I do! So I'm saying turn that off right now, or we will have a problem." Father went close to my face and pointed his finger at me threateningly.

"Well do you want me to pass junior year? It's not going to happen if I can't keep my music on! C'mon please?" I pleaded.

"That's it! I've had it with your attitude!" Father stomped up to my record player, taking the precious record out and threw it on the floor, stopping the music abruptly. With his carelessness, he broke the part that made the music play.

A tear rolls down my cheek. "What the hell was that for!"

He grabbed my bin of collected records and started to leave my room, heading to the backyard. "This is your punishment for never listening to me or your mother!"

With that, he made his way out the door and threw down the box carelessly. Tears blurred my eyes as I ran outside to stop whatever he was doing. When it was too late, I saw him tossing the vinyls into the fire pit.

"No, please don't," I begged.

"You asked for it."

And with that, he took a match and set them all on fire. My safe place was now up in flames.

-

I flinch, remembering that day. After that I didn't have the heart to buy more vinyls. I was able to repair my record player, so I brought it with me. Here lies a new beginning, and a new chance to collect precious music again. I have a feeling I'll be visiting this shop a lot.

I walk through the isles, running my hands along the boxes of records organized neatly. I look at the ones that catch my eye and choose two to my liking. Wonderful.

Finally I'll get my music again. I smile subtly, enough that people can't see how excited I truly am to have this music. I have no idea what it sounds like, but hey! That's what listening is for.

I walk up to the counter, placing the two records down. The boy at the register looks up, startled, and then at the things I placed there.

"Can I check out?" I ask quietly, not wanting to disturb the boy too much more. He looks a year or two younger than me, with floppy brown hair and dark brown eyes.

"S- sure.." he stutters.

He looks at the tag on the first one and then at his computer, trying to find something. I wonder if each and every record in here is different.

"Are you from here?" He asks, still watching the computer. "I noticed your accent is a bit different, that's all."

"Yeah, actually... I'm from the states but I'm coming here for school." I nod, smiling. "I've always wanted to live in England and here I finally am."

"Well, good for you," the boy says, smiling back at me. "Hopefully with you around here I won't be so bored with my job." He pretends to whisper, one hand blocking people from seeing his mouth facing the front of the store.

I giggle. "Well I'm glad to know my purpose in life was to come here and rid you of boredom."

"Of course," he says, handing me a paper bag with the records in it. "Will I see you around? I'm James by the way."

I take the bag from him. "I'm Josephine, but I go by Jo. And yeah, I hope I'll be coming around here often. I need to rebuild my vinyl collection actually."

"Well lucky me!" James grins.

I start to make my way to the front of the store, which isn't much of a distance since it's such a small space.

"See you later James," I wave my empty arm.

"Bye Jo."

I step back outside to the crisp morning air. it's not even eight-thirty yet and it's barely gotten warmer, not that I'm complaining. It's still cold enough that I can wear my black coat, the one I love so much. Today I'm wearing a white over sized sweater under that, along with my brown flair jeans, not forgetting my oxfords. Something comfortable enough for the plane, but also presentable enough to meet my roommates.

I switch the vinyl bag to my other hand so I can drag my two suitcases more easily. I can have them facing opposite ways because each of them have four wheels so I can keep them upright. I keep to the sidewalk as well because it's easier to carry my things on, the cobblestone not so much.

After about seven or so more minutes of walking and enjoying the sights, I find myself in a quiet neighborhood filled with large old houses, every one different and beautiful in their own way. It's very different from my small, generic neighborhood by the sea back home, well not home anymore.

I find the correct house, number 563, the house where I'll be staying. It's just as large as all of the other houses around, the front gate is open and is covered with shrubbery. Well the whole garden is full of shrubbery, and vines sneak down the front of the house. It may sound crowded but the front garden, or lawn... is actually quite large. The house itself is faded white concrete I believe. I walk up to the brown front door. It's not a crazy grand entrance, there's a porch and a two story height but the door is a bit average, it's still a double door though. I knock on it, hopefully loud enough.

After waiting a minute I hear voices speaking loudly and footsteps approaching. The door opens quickly and I'm met with the face of a redheaded girl with lots of freckles.

"Hi! You must be Josephine, I'm Anna!" She takes my hand and shakes it enthusiastically, grinning. "I remember speaking to you online and now you're finally here! It's like time flies when you're in suspense!"

"Yeah, you can call me Jo though, thank you for inviting me," I say a lot quieter than she did. I'm quite shy around people who I don't know, especially ones who are as extroverted as Anna seems to be. Her brown eyes sparkle and she radiates energy a bit like the sun, a big like Sage but in a much louder way.

I now notice a girl next to her, quietly standing behind and listening in. She has long curly black hair and piercing green eyes, her tan skin making them stand out. However, you can't tell as easily because they hide behind large round glasses. She reminds me of Percy Jackson in a way.

"Oh, silly me. I forgot to introduce you to Daphne! Jo, meet Daphne, my girlfriend. She's staying with us as well!" Anna beckons her forward.

"It's lovely to meet you, Jo," she says. She's a few inches taller than me, looking to be around 5'6 or so, a bit on me considering I'm 5'3. She has a very posh accent, something I did expect from her.

"It's lovely to meet you as well," I smile. Daphne is wearing dark clothes, a corset top and a pleated skirt which contrasts a lot to Anna's bright sundress. It's a contrast I think works well in a relationship, they seem to balance each other out. "You two make a beautiful couple."

"Oh, thanks," Daphne says bashfully as Anna gives me a hug.

"I'm so happy to meet you. I think everyone else is here too, by the way. Maybe in the living room area." Anna guides me forward, I leave my vinyls and suitcases at the entrance.

We walk through a tall, well lit hallway. One side is all windows and the other has a bench and a few paintings on it. It's quite a long hallway but you can still see the side gardens on one side.

"How big is this house, actually?" I ask. It seems quite big for the price I'm paying to stay here.

"Well it has seven bedrooms and eight bathrooms, two are down here and the six other are upstairs. Five of the rooms have their own bathroom but the sixth and seventh have a jack and jill one. We managed to get this one because the heating in the winter isn't the best, also the whole house is old, along with the furniture. The owner just wanted someone to rent it so Daphne was able to convince him to let us do so for pretty cheap. Good deal, right?" Anna explains.

"Well... yeah. This place seems pretty grand to me. But if the furniture is so old how come it isn't expensive? Like there's this one house from the 1800's back where I'm from and it's considered, like, a museum." I look around in wonder.

"Well the 1800's aren't that bad for us, I mean, we were here through the middle ages so the old estates and things are just kept with the old money people. Unless they want to turn it into a historical site or something, neighborhoods like these are usually rented or bought."

"That makes sense. I mean the states haven't even been around for 300 years so something from that long ago would be a much bigger deal than it is here in Europe."

"Exactly." Anna agrees, looking back at me with a smile. We stop at large doors that lead to a sitting room, where three guys are lounging in. It's a large room with fairly high ceilings, there is a big carpet and two large elegant couches facing a running fireplace. There's a new looking television sitting on the fireplace, and all three boys are watching. One wall, the one facing the back of the house has french double doors facing the backyard along with many windows. You can see a large expanse of land back, lots of lawn to mow.

As we walk in, the boys turn their heads to the door to hear what the sound was. One boy grins and walks over.

"Daphne, Anna, you found the ruckus at the door I see.. you must be Josephine?" He says, looking at me. He has short black curly hair and dark skin that makes his shiny teeth and nice smile pop out. You can tell that he's a bit of a jokester just from the twinkle in his eye. He's wearing a graphic tee shirt and sweatpants, and he appears to be over six feet tall.

"Yup, that's me," I smile, holding out my hand to shake. He takes it and his big hand engulfs mine.

The second boy takes his cue to come up to us. He has a lolly pop in his mouth and doesn't appear to be as tall as the other boy. He has auburn hair and hazel eyes, sparkling with a bit of mischief like the boy before him did too.

"Well how rude of you, not to say your name Romeo. I'm Ollie, kind of a big deal around here.. and since you're new in town I'll give you a pass on not wanting an autograph right away." He brags.

"Hey!" The first boy... Romeo? Replies to the second one who still looks a bit smug.

I laugh. "Quite cocky aren't you Ollie? And Romeo? Is that a nickname or-"

"It's my real name," he cuts me off. "But Ollie here, and Draco always make fun of me for it."

"Who's Draco?" I ask.

Ollie points to the boy still on the couch. He's the last one, hasn't gotten up yet. He appears to be intently looking at his phone, rapidly typing something.

"Draco! Get your ass up now! Our last roommate is here!" Anna playfully scolds him. She pokes him and when he doesn't respond Anna pushes him off the couch.

"What the hell!" He exclaims, his voice a bit deep. He stands up to his full height and is nearly as tall as Romeo, definitely at least six feet. Anna pulls him closer and he reluctantly lets her. As he gets closer I can see his face more clearly. He has the clearest and most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen, and fluffy platinum blond hair to match. His fairly pale skin compared with his other features makes him look a bit like an angel. His face is in a grimace and I'm trying to imagine how dashing he would look with a smile adorned on his face. In a way, he reminds me of that angel boy I saw on the beach all those years ago.

He looks me over, probably not impressed. I never really got praised for how I looked in school, people always just seemed a bit intimidated by me. I have reddish brown hair, not as tinted as Ollie's is though. Sage always said my best features were my big stormy grey eyes and strongish jawline, but they're both kinda ruined by my eye bags and pale complexion. I also have a nose most wouldn't envy, it could be nice and straight but it's ruined by the slight bump in the middle.

Draco, or angel boy, holds out his hand to shake. "Nice to meet you," he mumbles.

I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile. "It's nice to meet you as well." I take his hand in mine to shake and it's very big and warm. In that second or two I realize what nice hands he has. His fingers are a bit long but you can't tell very much as they're adorned with rings and black nail polish. He's also wearing a large black button down shirt, the top three buttons aren't buttoned though. His jeans are dark but they aren't extremely skinny like Ollie's are. They actually seem quite comfortable. I should probably stop admiring Draco to be honest.

He grunts in response and takes his leave to go back to where he was laying on the couch before. Maybe he'll warm up to me. Honestly I don't really care, but I don't want my existence in this house to be miserable to be around. At least everyone else I've met seems to like me.

"Well," I say. "Do you mind if I get settled? Is there a room that's mine?"

"Yes, actually," Daphne says. "I'll take you if you'd like."

I smile gratefully. "It was nice to meet everyone."

Anna, Romeo, and Ollie all say friendly goodbyes, probably knowing that I'm going to sleep for a long time.

Daphne leads me back through the hallway and around the entrance to the stairs, helping me bring my suitcases up. They're quite large suitcases so it's a bit of a hassle to get them up the large stairwell. Once we get to the top I thank Daphne for helping me and she waves it off.

She leads me down another hallway to where a few doors are.

"Okay, your room is right there on the left and next to yours are Anna and my rooms, ours are connected by the jack and jill bathroom. It was best for us to take it since we're dating and all. And on the other side are the boys' rooms."

I open the door to the room that is mine and am amazed by it. The walls are adorned with light green wallpaper, it's a nice sage color that isn't overwhelming to my eyes. On the largest wall a bed is against the wall in the middle, it's a king sized four poster one with white drapes around all the sides. The whole room is green, purple, and very airy and inviting but it still has that old victorian charm. On the wall facing the bed is a door leading to the bathroom that has a sink, toilet, and large tub with a hand held shower head attached.

On the wall opposite the door to the hallway are three large windows that let in a great amount of light. My room faces the backyard and the view couldn't be more wondrous.

"Wow, this room is beautiful. Thanks so much, Daphne!" I exclaim, a large smile on my face. Everything is starting to feel so real now.

She laughs quietly. "I'm glad you like it here, I'm really excited for us to be friends, but I'll let you rest now I bet you need it after that long plane ride."

I nod, agreeing with her. "I'll see you and the others in a few hours."

Daphne leaves the room and closes the door behind her. I go to the windowsill and look out into the beautiful backyard, and back to the room that now belongs to me. My life is finally going right. Before unpacking anything I take off my jacket, shoes, pants, and bra and jump into the large bed with just my sweater and underwear on. I snuggle in the silky sheets and quickly find dreamland.

Finally things are turning out well for me.


	8. first conversation

Sometimes I just don't see the point of anything. Some nights I just don't understand the one question that plagues my head endlessly:

Why doesn't anyone want me?

I don't think I've done anything particularly bad, but maybe no one wants someone like me. Someone who attaches herself to people too quickly and loves them even quicker. I don't even mean that in a romantic way, but I know I love too fast. I have a new friend? I want to talk to them every second of every day and get to know everything about them. I wanna have an unbreakable bond with someone like that. And then after awhile, I start to open up to them. I tell them how I feel like no one wants me and how things are pointless, and that's usually when they leave.

I understand though. People don't want others' emotional baggage placed on their back. Maybe I don't want it either. It's a big struggle, because I want people to know the real me. The one behind the mask. I use humor and intimidation to keep people on the surface. I don't let them know the person who has struggled between wanting to live or die half of their life.

In middle school I had a friend, separate from Sage and Marcus. Her name was Charlie. Charlie had a broken family so she had to stay in a foster home for awhile. I felt like maybe she would need someone to be there for her, a friend to make her feel wanted and loved. She was a really kind person but she didn't have many friends. I wanted to be there for her during that time. We became best friends really quickly, but after a year we grew apart. We still talked sometimes and her mental health got really bad. She tried to commit a few times and I worried about her like crazy. She moved away while this was going on and I was afraid that every time I missed something about her I would find out she died.

She's the reason I could never find myself to even think of committing. Even though I can't open up to Sage and Marcus, they aren't really deep people like that, I know that they would be worried about me if I got like that. I can't do that to them.

So on nights like these, nights where I feel lonelier than ever, I won't let myself do anything but cry. Surprisingly even though I left my old home, I still don't feel complete. I don't feel free or anything like that. I feel the same. Do I feel safer? Absolutely. But the feeling of self hatred is still there. Why is it still there? Why won't it go away?

I just sit here, crying, feeling more useless than ever. It will pop out of nowhere, a memory will come up and then I'll overthink everything and just cry. The thoughts in my head seem to take an invisible knife and slowly sink it into my heart in the most painful way. After I've cried for so long my eyes will feel sore and will hurt to open. Tears falling down my face continuously and choking on my silent sobs. It's not a fun thing to have happen often and I don't really understand it. It just hurts all over and the whole time I want to feel bad for myself but I just can't, because I deserve it. That's how it feels. All of the things that have happened to me are my fault even if I deny it out loud. Crying like this is my punishment. I deserve it.

Eventually, I tire myself out from the crying and find myself falling asleep from pure exhaustion. You'd be surprised of the physical toll this takes on my body.

Little did I know though, this night I wasn't the only one who cried myself to sleep.

.

I awaken to the sound of chirping outside my window. The curtains are slightly open and golden light streams through them, illuminating parts of the floor in a sort of pattern. It feels surprisingly light and airy, something I'm not typically used to. At my old home I kept my blinds closed as often as possible and kept the room in sort of a hibernation. But for once, it feels nice to have the sun filtering into the room.

Hm. New continent new me, I guess.

I change out of my nightclothes and into a white pleated skirt and sweater, along with long sweater material socks and my slippers so I wouldn't be too cold in the morning air. It's only about 8 am, and I'm fairly cold from growing up on the Pacific Coast of the USA, which was very warm. I hastily grab a black ribbon and bring my long-ish hair into a loose low ponytail on the way out of my room, remembering to take my phone as well. The hallways are also very bright in the morning and the flower vases against some of the walls that I hadn't noticed before brings in a happy feeling.

I step down the stairs and make my way to the large old fashioned kitchen, finding Anna and Ollie cooking up a storm. The kitchen smells of pancakes, bacon, and... a bit of burning?

"Are you two alright there?" I ask, revealing my presence.

Anna looks over, and a grin crosses her concentrated face. "Yes! We're doing wonderfully, Ollie is teaching me how to cook!" She exclaims.

Ollie grumbles. "Yeah, well I'm trying to. Anna burns everything she can get her hands on." As if to prove his point, he holds up a plate with a stack of overcooked pancakes. The edges are a bit black but overall the don't look completely horrible.

"They don't seem bad for her first time though," I note.

"Are you kidding me? They're complete flops! They're supposed to be big and light and fluffy and-"

"I think she gets the point," Romeo says, walking in. "Ollie has a bit of an obsession with cooking. It does not help that he's a perfectionist and watches Gordon Ramsey. He's dangerous."

I laugh lightly. "Well it doesn't seem too bad, I mean he does take pride in his work."

Ollie walks over to pat my head before attending to the pancakes again

"What was that for?" I ask.

"Approving my cooking. If you change your mind I'll kill you."

"Sounds good to me." I smile sarcastically. "Where are the others? I mean breakfast looks just about ready."

Anna looks up to the ceiling, as if she's trying to remember something. "Oh! Daphne and Draco are speaking in the gardens, she reminds him of some dude back home who he was friends with, so she's the only one he doesn't mind to talk to. I think it's also because Ollie, Romeo, and I are a lot louder than she is. I don't think he likes extroverts much."

"I mean, that makes sense," I comment. "Some people overwhelm me too, and I need a break. Maybe the loudness reminds him of something bad?"

Anna frowns. "It could, but I don't wanna think about it too much, I mean its none of our business. Especially if he doesn't wish to tell. Also I want to stay on his good side as well, he wanted to pay a lot of the price here so we wouldn't have to do as much, he's like loaded. Also I've kinda got the assumption that he doesn't like redheads much."

"Well now I feel kinda bad, that he's paying for a lot. Are you sure he's fine with it?" I ask. I feel bad taking a strangers' money.

Anna laughs. "Trust me, he's fine with it. And either way why wouldn't we refuse to live in a place like this? It's probably going to be the peak of my lifetime."

I nod. "Me too, I used to live in this small house by the coast. This place is quite the upgrade."

Just then, we hear quiet voices coming from down the hall. I notice black long black hair turning the corner and Daphne appears, Draco behind her. He doesn't look particularly well. There are dark circles under his eyes, not the natural eye bags some people have but ones that are clearly from a lack of sleep. As a complete contrast to his somewhat dressy clothes yesterday, he's now in a black sweatshirt with some sort of snake symbol on the corner and grey sweatpants. He sure seems to dislike color.

"We just came in to see if breakfast was ready," Daphne says in her quiet voice.

Anna grins when she sees her. "We're almost done and I'm doing an amazing job!"

Ollie whacks her head.

"Hey!" She exclaims.

"You're making another pancake burn!" He scolds. Anna quietly turns back to her pancake, looking bored.

Daphne walks over to her and I barely even notice, her steps are so quiet. She gently takes the spatula out of Anna's hand. "Maybe I should help you on this one."

"Yes please."

And with the absence of Daphne, Draco turns the corner and walks off to who knows where. Maybe he would be more open to talking if I spoke to him alone?

I make my way out of the kitchen, saying I'm grabbing something from my room and I quietly follow Draco to talk to him.

It takes me a few minutes to find him, this house still confuses me but I make my way back to that living area where we were the previous day. One of the doors to outside is open and I see him slumped down on one of the steps to the backyard. The door is still open and a light breeze makes it's way through the room. It's nice.

I quietly walk over to Draco but he doesn't seem to notice me sit down besides him. Until he speaks.

"Why are you here?" He asks, sounding annoyed.

I don't waver from his tone. "Well I barely got to speak to you yesterday, and I noticed you don't seem to be comfortable around too many people so maybe we could talk out here. I mean, we will be in the same house for three years, it's worth a try." I look over to him and smile.

He frowns back at me. "Maybe I don't want to be bothered."

"I could say the same thing," I start. "But sometimes it's nice to have some company."

Draco snorts, as if I had said something wrong. "Well there's not many people around who would wish to give me company. I'm not the best to be around."

It's almost like he's trying to make me be less intrigued.

"And people have said the same about me. At my old school everyone thought I was... intimidating or something. I even heard the theory that I was a vampire once."

He smirks just a bit. "Really? How stupid of them. Clearly vampires don't exist."

I shrug. "I didn't deny it though, the idea was funny. Sometimes I would hiss at people to scare them."

"Mer- God, people are gullible. If I made you mad would you hiss at me?"

"I don't think so. I mean you know I'm not a vampire, so there isn't a point. Maybe I would just to be funny though."

"Eh, nope. Just stupid."

Well. I thought I might've been getting through to him.

"Why are you here? Like going to this university. I'm curious." I ask. I might regret this.

Draco stiffens. "The same reason as everyone else. To go to school." He almost chokes out, as if I'd asked him a bad question.

"Oh, alright. I just thought everyone here was running from somethi-"

He stands up abruptly, glaring a bit. "Maybe it is best if you leave me alone. I tolerated talking to you for long enough but maybe those people at your old school or whatever were right to stay away from you." He spits out.

My eyes widen. I'm not going to lie, it hurt a bit. I sit frozen in my spot, and as he walks away I almost hear him say something like "idiotic muggle" under his breath. Is that an insult in England?

Oh well. Maybe I was too invasive, but everyone else didn't really have trouble telling me why they were here. I was a bit more vague though, because my reasoning was really private. I should've realized that is probably how he feels too. Now I feel a bit guilty, my stomach churns with it. I should apologize as soon as I can. I don't really want to let go of him, something about Draco just makes me want to know more, and I don't know how bad that is.


	9. dirty metro

Today is my day. Yesterday I spent the whole day moping around trying to apologize for what I said to Draco, but he was avoiding me like the plague. I hope that it won't be like this the whole time I'm here. But for today, I'm not going to worry about it. Coming here was meant for me to change and be happier. Moping around isn't going to improve my self love, only my self hatred. So for today, I've decided I'm going to spend a few hours at the mall and get my nails done. I still have a few thousand dollars saved up from back home, so maybe I'll spend a few hundred at the mall.. like a splurge.

Don't get me wrong, I don't take money for granted. But sometimes you need to treat yourself, and that's perfectly okay. It's Monday and I have this whole week to get my shit together so I'll be ready to get to work. I'm working at a bookstore near by, and I want to impress all of the university students that will probably be my coworkers. I've always had a sense of anxiety around people my age, especially the ones who look judgy.

It's around ten in the morning, so everyone's up. The one nice thing about this house is that everything is so big, so in the morning I won't hear Ollie yelling at Anna when she burns the food, I can just sleep through that. At the shopping center they have a few food places (I checked) and I think I'll just eat there instead.

I get dressed in brown corduroy pants, baggy of course since tight ones make me uncomfortable. Then I put on a white bustier top and a green cardigan. Heading down the stairs with my bag I go to the living area to see if anyone's there, to tell them I'm leaving. Luckily for me, Romeo is on the couch with an easel in front of him. He's painting some kind of landscape.

"Hey, Romeo I'm going out to a shopping center, are there any subways around?"

He turns his head, acknowledging my presence. "Oh, yeah, there's a metro station in town. How long will you be gone for? Like so we can plan for dinner and things."

I think for a moment. "Probably a few hours.. it's ten now, so I'll be back before four. I usually take awhile."

"Alright. Have fun with shopping," Romeo smiles before turning his attention back to his painting.

I say a quick bye and go to the front to put my shoes on. Surprisingly, Draco's on the front steps, writing on something. This is my chance to apologize.

I step out the door and he looks startled, as if he was on alert before. "I'm just leaving, but I want to say sorry about yesterday. I was invasive and I should've respected your privacy." I say, before he gets the chance to leave.

Draco slowly stands up, carefully hiding whatever he was writing in. I'm not going to ask about it because he seems embarrassed. "Okay, I'll accept your apology I guess. Where are you going?"

"This shopping center near London. Would you want to come with me?" Why did I just ask that? I scold myself.

He looks a bit disgusted, I definitely shouldn't have said anything. He surprises me though, when he says, "I guess. There's nothing better to do. I dunno why you want me to come with you though."

I grin. "It was supposed to be a self care day for me but you seem like you could use to relax too. You seem all... tense or something."

He shrugs it off. "I'm not tense, there's just nothing to do here. That's why I said yes to your stupid shopping trip." Ouch.

"Well.. whatever. It's nice to have company," I reply. I'm not gonna let him think his petty insults effect me. I'll just be indifferent. "Are you coming?"

Draco goes inside, grabbing a black trench coat (how surprising) and dress shoes. I wonder if he has things other than sweatpants that are more casual. He's dressed more like he was two days ago. A button down shirt and nice looking pants. All black. He just really love that color.

He's quite a lot taller than me so he catches up pretty quickly, meeting me by the gate. We walk in silence for a few minutes before he asks, "Which way is the shopping center?"

I reply, "We have to take the metro to get there, the station is downtown."

"What's a metro?" He asks, sounding genuinely confused.

I blink up at him. "You don't know what a metro is?"

"I grew up rich and sheltered, no I don't. Is that not uncommon?" He scoffs. I can tell that Draco is trying to sound normal but it really just looks like he's embarrassed, based on the blush that rushed to his cheeks. It's cute.

I laugh. "I wasn't doubting your pride, it's just weird for people to not know what it is. Metros, subways, whatever you want to call them are basically underground trains."

By his expression, Draco seems to think they're absurd. "Why would you want an underground train when there are ones overground? It doesn't make sense."

"I didn't come up with the idea, it's just faster I guess. A lot of people use metro's to get to work." I shrug.

He still seems to be not quite satisfied with my answer but he doesn't mention it again. Through our talk, we've made our way downtown. I look around before noticing a sign pointing to the station.

Draco's looking in the other direction so I poke his arm to point him to the right way. He slightly flinches when I touch him so I apologize and he waved it off. I hope he's alright, I think.

The station inside is beautiful. Although small, the ceiling is stained glass and depicts the stars above. It reminds me a bit of grand central station. By the sides are ticket booths, so I walk over to one to get two tickets. After receiving them, I walk back over to Draco who decided to stay to the side. He doesn't seem to like to interact with people much.

"Okay, here's your ticket. Don't lose it alright?" I look up at Draco, handing the paper to him.

He looks it over, unimpressed. Then again, not much seems to impress him. After a moment he places it in his coat pocket.

It takes a few minutes but we find the correct area where the train is meant to come and pick us up. We've been here for about five minutes and the whole time Draco's been complaining about the smell.

"Can't we wait outside? It smells like poverty." He whines.

I glare at him. "Don't you want to be able to sit on the train? Lots of people take it. Besides, we'll miss it if we wait outside."

Draco rolls his eyes. "So I have to stand around all these homeless people?" He points to one man who seems to be smoking a joint of some kind. "They let this kind of stuff around here? It's disgusting!"

"I don't know what you expected. It's a public area, it's not going to be sophisticated. Also we're underground. Sewers also happen to be underground. It's not going to smell like fancy perfume."

Draco aggressively breathes out air. "Well I would prefer if it did."

I feel a bit bad. He genuinely looks like he's suffering. I would do something about it but considering he's wearing a gold watch it doesn't really make much sense.

"I'm sure you'll survive. It's not like you're loaded or anything."

Before he gets the chance to say something back, the train pulls in loudly.

"Okay, can I hold onto your arm while we walk in? It's easy to get lost since there will be people getting on and off. And it's your first time."

Draco considers it. "Only since I don't want to be stuck with all of the peasants." He holds out his arm so I can grab onto it.

I take it, and roll my eyes. "It's not like I'm anywhere near rich, Draco."

"And? At least you don't smell like drugs," he states, like it's a compliment.

I sigh. There's really no point trying to argue about this. Quickly, the doors open and an automated voice can be heard saying something about boarding. I use my hand to drag Draco's arm to where I want to sit, while he tries to avoid as many people as he can. This would be a lot easier if he wasn't so paranoid of... whatever it was. I'm sure brushing past someone wouldn't make him smell badly. I mean his expensive cologne is already strong enough. It doesn't smell bad, but I don't see the scent going away anytime soon either.

There's a few empty seats, I let Draco take the corner one and I sit next to him.

"How long will this take?" He asks.

I look up at the board that shows the stations. There's two more before the one where we get off.

"I'd estimate... fifteen minutes? Maybe a little longer. So not too bad."

Draco groans. "Are you sure there wasn't another option?"

I snicker. "No, I wanted to take the metro." At this point his whining is quite amusing. A tall intimidating man afraid of a public transportation. Growing up he must've been very sheltered.

He's eased up a bit now, but he still seems tense. Maybe it's from the man sitting in the other corner who seems to be missing a few teeth and is playing a very strange song. Honestly it weirds me out a bit too. Or maybe it's the girl who looks about twelve who's staring at him like he's the most handsome man on Earth. Her mom doesn't seem to notice though, I think Draco might but he seems to be ignoring it. Everything else isn't too loud, just the sound of the tracks and hushed voices.

I put my mouth near his ear. "See, it isn't that bad, right?"

Draco turns to me and says in a hushed voice, not quite a whisper "It's not horrible but that little girl staring at me is freaking me out. I understand that I'm handsome but that's taking it a bit too far."

Ah, so he has an ego. I'll make sure to not slip up and tell him how attractive he is, because he isn't wrong. Usually cocky attitudes don't work on men but it seems to be doing just fine for him.

"Why, did you have lots of girlfriends in school to feed your ego?" I joke.

He doesn't get too offended, just seems a bit more confident. "Oh yeah, tons of girls threw themselves at me. One in particular wouldn't leave me alone, it was extremely annoying. I've always been a good looking lad but I haven't really had a girlfriend. Kept them guessing," Draco smirks.

I raise my eyebrows. Honestly, based on everything so far I did expect this.

"When are we gonna be there?" He asks for a second time.

I look up at the clock. "Maybe like ten minutes or so."  
.

Turns out it would be twenty. The train shut down for a good five minutes, it freaked Draco out a bit so I patted his shoulder to help. He doesn't seem to like physical touch a lot so I'm not going to force myself on him.

Finally, the doors open. This time, Draco takes my arm and practically yanks me out of the train. His hands are very big and cold, I can tell because the coolness makes it's way through my cardigan. At first, I don't really know where we're going because he's pulling me so fast but before I know it we're in the lobby. I look to my left and Draco has a hand over his chest, breathing in air heavily.

"Draco, are you alright?"

He lifts his head up. "It's such a relief to be breathing fresh air again."

I roll my eyes. He's quite the drama queen.

We make our way out of the lobby and onto the crowded streets. We don't touch again, even though I would like to. When his hand grabbed my arm I swear I felt butterflies in my stomach. But out here it's less easy to get lost, especially with a man who sticks out like a sore thumb. His whole black attire, the platinum blond hair. Let's just say you don't see someone like Draco walking around every day.

Finally we make it to the shopping center. It reminds me a lot of the mall back home, except it's probably at least three times bigger. The ceiling and walls have big glass windows, allowing a lot of light in. I walk over to a map to see there are three floors, I can tell though. The ceilings are very high and as you walk in the air is a bit cooler, but like... the good cold.

Draco looks like a fish out of water. He has his arms crossed and looks about as uncomfortable as a person can be.

"Draco, are you alright?" I ask, walking to him.

He turns his head to me, still looking very dumbfounded. "Uh, yeah."

"Draco have you ever been to a place like this?"

"No."

So he's very sheltered. More than I could've ever imagined. I mean sheesh.. even I had strict parents and I've been to a mall before. Several times! Maybe a lot of people in England are like this. I mean they do eat beans on toast.

"Well I'm glad that I've taken you here then, I mean everyone has a first... right?" I try to make him feel better, but honestly I don't think he's embarrassed. In fact, he looks a little amused. "Come on then!"

I ended up dragging Draco through several stores with a lot of complaining. And I mean a lot. Aren't eighteen year old boys meant to be mature? I even brought him to this designer suit shop. He actually looked a bit delighted at that bit. For about an hour he tried on suit after suit, every one of them black and every one of them looking exactly the same. When I would point out how similar they looked he would go on a rant about how the seaming was different or something along the lines of that. While we were in the shops I liked he would make snide comments about the people walking around, how musty they looked, how bad their clothes were, lots of things like that. He didn't shame anyone for their body though, which I guess is a small thing but I still appreciated it. Almost every clothing item I picked out he would insult, but a few he gave an okay too. There were two of them. One was a black slip dress and the other was a big grey blazer. All of the other clothes I bought he said were "a waste of my money" which is a bit ironic considering he has endless amounts of that.

I grab the last of my bags. Over the course of the day I've acquired seven. Draco has offered to help with none of them. I guess it's what I get for dragging him on the metro again. He only has one bag, inside is two black suits that I'm guessing are worth more than everything I've gotten.

"Are you ready to head back home?" I ask.

He rolls his eyes. "I don't want to move if we have to take that stupid metro system again."

"It's about dinner time, I doubt that it'll be that bad, most people are home by now." I urge, trying to convince him. However he is very stubborn.

Somehow, I manage to drag him back along onto the metro, and I just about thank jesus for how relieved I feel sitting down again. My feet have been killing me all day, all the walking around and such. As soon as I get back home I'm taking a shower and a nap.

"Are you as tired as I am?" I ask, looking up at Draco. His head is tilted back against the wall.

He sighs. "I suppose."

I put my head back to match his. "As soon as we get home I'm going to sleep."

"I'll stay up for a bit longer." He replies.

"Why?"

"Because your mind can't hurt you when you're awake."


	10. the library

Today it's raining. I can't be too surprised, it rains a lot in England. At least from what I've heard. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about it. I just wish I could go out, but I still haven't explored this whole house. Yesterday Daphne mentioned there was a library somewhere and I really want to go find it.

Upstairs so far I've learned really doesn't have too much. Just all of our rooms (all of which are very big), a large laundry room, an office, and a common bathroom. Downstairs, however, I haven't really seen much.

I grab my copy of Little Women and head downstairs, the each stair creaking quietly. Through the grand entrance and to the hall on the right. I haven't explored the right yet. It's a bit dimmer than the other side, because there aren't as many windows. Candles line the walls, covered in glass. I love how they've kept these small aspects, it makes things feel so much nicer. I've always had a knack for older things, they intrigue me. And this house is about the closest I'll get to living in the regency or victorian era.

Leading down the hall are a few doors, one opening to a bathroom and the others being closets. Nearing the end of the hall is a small corridor that leads into a separate direction.

I've found the library. It's two stories high as far as I can tell, and the ceiling is filled with paintings of angels and heaven. I've never really believed much in that stuff but I think it's very beautiful to see. There's large windows on one side, couches lining each of them so you could curl up by the window and read. One in the back is a bay window, so you can even sit inside and read. The walls are decorated with ornate paintings, detailed wooden pillars, and of course lots of books. There's a lot of shelves through the library, and of course lots lining the walls as well. In the center of the room is a grand piano, with a chandelier above.

The sound of the rain pouring outside makes a relaxing light patter on the ceiling, echoing through the large room. Mixed with the dim lighting it makes for a perfect place to read. I love it already.

Growing up, books were my escape. When I was very young my parents made it clear I was a mistake and often fought over who would have to deal with me. They stopped fighting once I grew older and wanted to prove myself to them, instead they reflected their anger onto me. I only wanted to make them proud.

Books were my happy place. They could take me wherever I wanted to go, whether it be a castle or somewhere in another universe. It was nice to read about someone else, pretend to be someone else. Even though the sanctuary only lasted a few hours. I would go through book after book, day after day, almost never having enough to read. It became an addiction. Not a bad one though. My grandmother always told me that books were the gateway to the best knowledge and wisdom, the different perspectives and morals of each story giving you a certain outlook on life.

I walk over to the bay window, near the corner and settle down with my book. Everything outside is grey, wet, and cold; a very strong contrast to the warmth and brightness of the inside. I lean my head against the window and open my book, turning to the last page I was reading. There truly isn't anything better than this.  
.

"Josephine?" I hear someone say. I try to stay asleep but when the person pokes my shoulder I startle up.

"What do you want?" I whine.

I turn to see who it is, and there is Draco snickering at me. "You've got a bit of drool, right there," He points to his chin.

I hurriedly wipe it off with my sleeve and glare at him. "Why did you disturb me? I was just fine sleeping."

"You're in my spot!" He says angrily, gesturing to the window. How bold of Draco to assume I had known this was his spot.

"Sorry?" I say, a bit amused.

Draco scowls at me. "Can't you leave? I need to do something for m- for god's sake!" I then notice the journal in his hand. It looks quite small to be honest. Either that or his hands are just massive. Probably the latter.

I think of something quick. "We could just both sit here. There's plenty of space."

Draco looks quite pissed off. It's fun to grind his gears. "Can't you just move?"

"Draco, you can't just claim a spot for your own. There's plenty of space if we both like it, and they do say great minds think alike."

"My mind is far greater than yours."

"It was a compliment!"

"To yourself as well! It wasn't genuine."

"Says the one who was checking himself out in the mirror upstairs yesterday."

"I can't help that I'm hot!"

"You're exasperating!"

"Can't you just sit somewhere else?"

"Can't you just sit here?"

"Fine."

My eyes widen. "Wait, you'll stay?"

Draco rolls his eyes. "It's better than arguing with you over it. And anyways you're too bloody stubborn to move. And I don't really want to touch you to drag you out."

Damn. "You didn't have to say it like that," I frown.

"Just be happy I'm agreeing." He spits back.

I shrug. "Alright." I slide my feet up so my book is now at a tilted angle. Draco reluctantly sits to face me, pulling out that journal of his. It's plain leather, the other day I didn't really get to see it. And he's writing with a strange sort of pen.. it sort of looks like a quill. Like from a bird.

"Is that a quill?" I ask, my curiosity taking the best of me.

Draco looks up. "What else am I supposed to write with?" He asks, as if there's no other options.

"I dunno... a pencil? A pen? Hell, even a crayon?" I list the few things that come to mind.

He raises an eyebrow at me, as if he doesn't know what a pen is. I grumble.

"I'll be back in a minute," I say, already heading out of the library. Down the hall is a study, it has a few of those newer computers, the ones with the bigger screens. They work quite well actually. Too bad we don't have much of a use for computers, unless you're into business or need to make emails all the time. I enter the room and see a cup of pens on one of the tables. Aha! I grab a pen with black ink and hurry back to the library. I don't want Draco trying anything.

Surprisingly, he hasn't taken up all of the space in the bay window. He's just turned around my book and seems to be looking through it, a concentrated look on his face.

"I've got a pen," I announce, Draco turns and flinches in a startled way. "Are you looking at my book?"

"What's it about? And why is your name all over it?" He asks hesitantly, almost as if he's scared I'm going to talk about it for too long.

"Well my parents gave me a... different name that I didn't like when I was born, so I just kind of adopted Josephine instead; after the main protagonist in this book. It takes place in the eighteen hundreds, and back then women didn't really have any rights. Jo March was a feminist though, so I admire her a lot. A feminist is someone who believes that women and men should be equal, not that one should be better than the other."

"Hm," Draco studies it. "I think I might be a feminist then. If I wasn't it would disappoint my mother."

I smile. Maybe he's sweet after all. "Is your mother special to you?" I ask tentatively, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. He seems to be holding in something, but before I can take it back he answers:

"Yeah, I admire her a lot." He almost chokes up. I wonder if something's happened to her. I'm not going to ask him about it though, I kind of went outside of his boundaries.

I pat his leg and smile at him. "That's nice, you know. Most boys don't seem to like their mothers much. I'm sure she loves you," this seems to make him a bit at ease. He smiles in the faintest way. It's beautiful.

"I hope so. Could I borrow your feminist book when you're finished?" He asks.

A sort of warmth fills my heart. "I've read it a million times, you can have it now, if you'd like. But it's my grandmother's copy, an original so please be careful with it. I am trusting you."

Draco nods, almost looking surprised that I said yes. He seems to think that people don't like him much. However I find him the most intriguing person in this house.

"What will you read then?" He asks as I hand him the book gently. He takes it into his hands.

"There has to be something good somewhere," I shrug. "I mean we are in a library. It's quite nice though, isn't it? I think libraries are wonderful, just beautiful."

He nods. "I can see that. I just like it here so people don't bother me. Those other two boys are a pain in the ass."

I lightly laugh. "They are, but it's funny."

"It's just irritating for me," Draco grumbles.

"Well we all see things from different perspectives." I get up from the seat to a nearby shelf. It looks to be mostly classics, I can see a lot of the old literature on here. What would I expect though? This library is quite old. I finally settle on a modernized version of Romeo and Juliet. Maybe I'll be able to understand it more than the one we had to read in freshman english class.

I settle back down across from Draco, who appears to already be entranced by my book. I'm glad he asked to borrow it. Maybe it'll give him a new perspective. Or maybe it'll help distract him from whatever seems to keep him on edge. It did for me, maybe it can for him too.


	11. drug club

Today we're going to a party. Anna, who I've realized is quite the social butterfly has gotten us invited to a party. And an exclusive one at that. It's at some new club in London, she was there the other day and sweet talked someone into an invite. I've never been to a club party, only the shitty high school ones. A few of the people who live at the house are older than me and I'm not gonna lie, it's a little bit intimidating. I always second guess what I've done, or who I've been with because there isn't much I bring to the table.

Having never been to a club before means I should try to impress. I'm not very good at that honestly. I'm only just eighteen so I'm lucky that we're in England. If we were in America I wouldn't have even been able to get in. Maybe someone will think I'm too young? What if I'm dressed wrong? What if someone spikes my drink? I have no idea what to expect. Sometimes I wish I could just know everything in the world and not have to stress about things.

I sigh, holding up a few different clothing options. I could wear jeans and a top, but I would feel boring. I could also wear a dress but then I have to show my legs. I've always been a bit insecure with my legs, my thighs have always been a bit big compared to my calves. But honestly I need to stop worrying. This is one party and if I embarrass myself I can just leave. I'm an adult and if I need to I can leave.

I take out the slip dress I bought at the beginning of the week, inspecting it. I'll be fine. Surprisingly it's very comfortable, the material looks silky and feels that way too. In the lighting it has a bit of a bluish tint that I didn't notice before. I like it. I put on my oxford docs because there's no way in hell I am wearing heels anywhere. I can't walk in them and if I'm expected to dance I am not going to fall and embarrass myself. And then everyone would laugh at me and just... I shudder.

I hear Anna yell at me. Apparently we're taking a cab there. Might as well just get this over with. If I look at myself too long I'll just over-analyze everything and ruin it for myself.

I make my way down the stairs to find almost everyone standing there. Only Ollie was missing.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I ask Anna, clasping my hands together. My palms are sweaty and I don't want anyone to notice.

She laughs, putting her arm around Daphne. "Of course! Me and Phil, we get along great." She states, which seems to make Daphne a bit uncomfortable. I wonder why.

Ollie comes around the corner stuffing something inside his pocket. "We ready to go?" He asks. Anna nods and leads the way outside. I walk towards the back.

"You have any idea why she's dragging us along to this shit?" Draco hisses from besides me, leaning over so only I can hear. He's wearing his regular half buttoned black shirt and nice pants, but now he has a black trench coat over.

I ignore his question. "Aren't you gonna get hot wearing all that?" It's in the seventies right now and I doubt it will be any colder inside a club with a bunch of sweaty drunk people.

"You ignored me, and no." Draco shoots back.

"Well I don't know but I doubt it's a good idea. For me, I think clubs are just an excuse for people to get drunk and high and ignore their problems or whatever."

He exhales loudly. "Doesn't sound too bad to me."

"I guess." I reply. "But it won't do you any good in the future when you're addicted and can't stop."

"Wouldn't it be nice to feel good all the time?"

"No Draco. You'll get so dependent on them that you'll need the drug all the time to even feel normal. And if you keep trying to get high you'll need more and more until it eventually kills you." I glare.

He furrows his brow. "Well when you think about it like that... still can't be bad to try it once."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever." People can be so ignorant sometimes. Glorifying drugs is such a bad sort of mind control. People just wanna make money. They don't care if you live or die.

Finally we see a long black cab in the front of the driveway. It's not a limousine but it's still a bit long. Maybe more like a van... but not in a creepy way. It's like those vans you order when you're on a big trip from the airport.

Anna says something to the driver in front and then opens the door to the back so we can all get in. It's basically like a van on the inside but instead of both rows of seats facing the front they're facing each other. Anna, Daphne, and I take one side and the boys take the other.

Once we've started moving Anna starts whispering to Ollie. He takes the bag out of his pocket and sure enough, it's weed. I roll my eyes. Next to me, Daphne looks like she's about to throw up.

"Not a fan?" I whisper.

She nods no. I couldn't really see her being one. "I've never liked it but Anna doesn't wanna stop. I just have to deal with it."

I frown. That doesn't sound completely fair to me. "Well I don't like it either so once we get there we can be boring in the corner if you'd like."

Daphne whispers a yes back and smiles gratefully before taking a deep breath and plugging her nose. She's right to do that, nobody's smoking it yet but the weed smells like actual shit. Honestly it probably does have some type of shit in it. You never know. I have no idea how anyone would want to put their face or mouth close to that.

Not soon enough, we reach the club. The boys being closer to the door all leave first, Draco and Romeo seeming to be arguing about something and Ollie skipping ahead. Anna whispers something into Daphne's ear before running after him.

I'm the last one to get out and I link my arm with Daphne. "Well let's just stay towards the back alright?"

She swallows. "Anna always likes going to clubs and things but I hate them. You know, she's so energetic and lovely but I just can't be like that. And I wish she didn't do the drugs, she acts all funny on them."

I snort humorlessly. "That's usually what drugs do. But don't you think you should talk to her about how you're feeling? Communication is really important in relationships you know."

"I suppose. But I don't want her to hate me for saying that. And we've been together for like three years, since we were fifteen. She even let me live with her family for a bit because mine didn't accept me." Daphne explains.

I pat her shoulder. "If she loves you like that then she'll understand and work things out with you."

"Okay." Daphne replies. I feel really bad for her, she's in a really bad spot. It seems to me that she can't find herself to say anything because they've been together forever and she doesn't want to ruin it. But some things need to be ruined if you want to be happy.

I'll try to cheer her up for now. "Well c'mon. We're at a club, we don't have to do anything crazy but let's at least get like... wine or something. Just to ease up a bit."

"I don't wanna get drunk though," Daphne replies.

"That's why we don't need to drink a lot. I could never be drunk in front of people anyways."

It's true. When you're drunk you reveal things you probably wouldn't sober. I don't wanna blab my life story to some stranger who will probably try to take advantage of me to get in bed. And I don't want to be stumbling around and puking my guts up the next morning. Or, worst case scenario, getting my stomach pumped at the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind drinking as long as you aren't going batshit crazy with it.

After getting our drinks from the bartender we sit down at a couch in the corner, far enough away that we won't be bothered but close enough that we can see people on the dance floor. The lights are a deep reddish purple color, giving the whole space a dark sort of vibe. I stare off into nowhere while thinking of what could've led my life to this. When I was nine or ten I always thought that by now I would've been accepted to a top school and my parents' pride and joy. I guess nothing really goes as planned. But it seems I've become the exact opposite as the person I used to want to be. I thought that I'd always stay by my best friends' side and we'd all be friends forever. Now I've abandoned them without notice and ran away from all of my problems. Do I regret anything? No. Do I wish it could've gone differently? Hell yes. Thinking of this reminds me that I still haven't called Layla about anything. 

On the day of my graduation she had come and congratulated me. I think her presence there meant the most to me over anyone. She had become like my big sister and was the only one who was in on my "disappearance" or whatever you might call it. She's the one person I truly looked up to. Layla had asked me to call her as soon as I got to England and I've forgotten. But late is better than never I suppose. 

"Hey Daphne?" I look towards her. She's staring off much like me with a frown upon her face. "Do you mind if I take a call outside?" She nods yes. I'll come back right after though, I don't want her to be alone. 

I slide out of the booth, carrying my wine glass and walk outside while avoiding everyone's drunken bodies. Finally I can breathe fresh air. Some might be attracted to the smell of alcohol, sweat, drugs, and sex but it just doesn't appeal to me in any way. 

I take out my phone, flipping the top open and hoping for a reception. Remembering her number off the top of my head, I punch in the correct buttons while each one makes a quiet beep to let me know it went through. Pressing the call button I place my phone against my ear and hope she picks up. After the last ring she finally does. 

"Hello?" I hear over the line, relief filling my bones to the familiar voice. 

"Layla? It's me, Jo." I say. I hope she isn't mad at me. 

I hear her gasp over the phone. "Oh, Jo! Thank god, I thought something happened to you. Are you in England? Is everything okay? No parents trying to contact you?" She asks, each question coming out of her mouth faster than the previous one. 

I laugh. I missed her a lot. "Yes I'm in England. I was almost afraid you wouldn't answer, the eight hour difference and all. I mean you're still on your shift right? And everything's fine, I got to my living area fine and I've gotten nothing from my parents." 

"Good, good. Is everyone nice enough there? If something's gone wrong I'll fly myself and beat their ass," Layla jokes, but I know she has a serious undertone to it. 

"No! Everyone's nice, I'm fine. I start my job next week and I'm really excited for how things are going to be, I have a good feeling Layla." I reply. And it's true. Overall I'm so excited to see where life takes me. I'm free from my parents and I'm free for the rest of my life and it couldn't feel more good. 

I can practically hear Layla smiling through the phone. "You sound the happiest you've been. Oh I wish I could hug you right now! I miss my sister."

Just then, I feel someone stumble into me. Oh god. "Jo, you were right," I hear a voice whisper into my ear. It makes shivers run up my body even though it's still fairly warm out. Surely Layla can hear because I can hear her yelling over the phone. 

I pull my phone down from my ear and turn to Draco who's leaning against the wall with a dazed look on his face. The whites of his eyes are red and they make his blue eyes show that much more. He looks the most relaxed I've ever seen him. 

"What do you need Draco," I sigh. "Can't you see I'm on a call?"

"I did the weed. That's what Ollie called it, I don't know all of your mug- peoples' weird ass drugs. But I took it because it's supposed to make you feel good but all I feel is dizzy." With that he takes the wine out of my hands and takes a big sip, ridding half of the glass of its contents. 

"Draco!" I exclaim, taking it back forcefully out of his hand. I raise my phone back to my ear. "Layla can I call you back? One of my roommates is having an... issue."

"You'd better! I want to know everything." What has he gotten me into.

I turn back to Draco, who's still against the wall with a dopey smirk across his lips. "Have I gotten you in trouble?" He taunts. 

I glare at him. "No. The only one in trouble right now is your stomach. You'll be spilling your guts out tomorrow morning." 

His eyes widen. I guess I forgot how sensitive high people can be. Almost like children. "My guts will fall out? But my fingers already look weird. Am I going to die?" His voice rises with each syllable. "I promised myself that I wouldn't do things again but here I am doing it and now I'm going to die because of it." He runs a hand through his hair.

I roll my eyes. He is definitely a drama queen. "Calm down." I snap. "You aren't going to die, you'll just get stomach sick or something. Now come on, we're going back home. You aren't going to get better if you stay out here taking more things."

Draco whines loudly, what seems to be a habit of his. "I want to stay." 

"Do you want to die?" He shakes his head vigorously. "Then come with me." 

He's really acting like a child. Surprisingly he can walk alright, not in a perfect line or anything but he doesn't need to lean on me for support. Honestly I don't know how I would react to that. Either he smells like drugs or he smells like that expensive perfume. And if he leaned on me, that smell would get all over my new dress, which (depending on which it is) has the potential to be ruined. And I don't really want to take that chance.

After ten minutes of walking and painfully awkward silence we reach the house. It's only been two hours but the sun has set significantly and I'm surprisingly very tired. Home sweet home, I think. Except I think this place is much to big to be considered a cozy place to live. 

I lead Draco up the stairs and just before I open the door to his room he places his hand on my shoulder, causing me to flinch. I wasn't expecting it. 

"Is there something you need?" I ask, turning to him. His eyes look more bloodshot now and his face looks a bit crestfallen.

"Erm," Draco stutters. "I can't fall asleep by myself. It's so lonely. Can I stay next to you? I won't bother you or anything, I just want to be near someone. Please." 

Too easily, I give in and open the door to my room instead. I don't know if it's pity or the fact I don't really want to be alone either, but I take a large pillow to separate the two sides. The bed is large enough that we'll still have plenty of space to ourselves. He shrugs off his coat and shoes and collapses onto his side, quickly going under the covers and closing his eyes. I guess that's his way of avoiding any awkwardness. I go to my bathroom and grab my pj's on the way, changing in there and brushing my teeth. I'm quite exhausted as well so as soon as I make my way back into the room I crash onto my side. 

"Night Draco," I say, turning away from him. He grunts in acknowledgment and by the slowing of his breathing I can tell he's asleep. Soon after, I find myself drifting off as well.


	12. new beach

I wake up later than usual, which is strange because I usually go to sleep a lot later than I did last night. I groan, turning to the other side to be met in the face with a line of pillows. Then I remember everything that went down last night. What a mess. I don't know what I'll say to Draco when I see him. What if he's still there? I peek over the pillows and my eyes are met with the sight of an empty bed. I sigh out of relief. But from the corner of my eye, I see the light in my bathroom on.

I smirk, knowing that Draco is probably feeling the effects of a bad hangover. Dragging myself out of bed, I check myself in the mirror over my dresser to make sure I look a bit presentable at least. Surprisingly, my hair is pretty tame and my bangs aren't a wild mess. Usually they are in the mornings and it's a pain to deal with.

Opening the bathroom door, I find myself looking at a hungover Draco, what a sight to see. He's half leaning on the toilet, his forehead on the seat part and hand on the tank lid. You would think that he wouldn't want to touch something dirty like a toilet but he's lucky I'm a girl and take care of it. I swear, men and toilets is such a bad decision. They get their piss everywhere and don't clean it.

"Alright down there?" I jokingly ask, knowing full well that he's definitely not feeling well. I've only been hungover a few times and it's not something I want to repeat.

Draco groans. "What the fuck do you think?" He snaps, looking up at me with angry blue eyes.

He looks a bit childish right now and it's quite amusing, even though he's a year older than me. "I told you that doing those things was a bad idea, you did it and look where it landed you. You're lucky I clean my toilet by the way."

"Doesn't everyone clean their toilet?" He asks, looking genuinely confused through his irritation.

Wow. A man who knows basic cleaning and hygiene. "No, I know way too many people who don't." I answer.

"That's repulsive."

"It is," I sigh. "Do you need anything? I know how bitchy hangovers can be."

"Because you would know? You seem to be the most goody two shoes girl I've met. Besides that stupid Granger." Draco mutters.

I stifle a laugh. "Trust me. I'm not a goody two shoes. I've had my fair share of hangovers through high school and they were horrible. Of course I don't wanna drink again, it's a stupid thing to do. And who's Granger? Strange name."

"Just this girl I went to school with. Always thought she was the bloody best or something... don't worry about it though." He still looks absolutely sick.

"Do you want any stomach medicine or anything? Or do you just want to go somewhere." I ask. I feel bad for him, he seems a bit... how do I put it. New to the world. He doesn't know what almost anything is so I doubt he realized the severity of weed and heavy alcohol.

He leans up from the toilet. "I want to go somewhere. I don't trust medicine." He replies, sounding a bit suspicious. Honestly I don't blame him.

After he gets up from the toilet, showers (because gross), and gets dressed in sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt we're off. None of us have cars so we have to walk to our destination. It's a bit annoying but at least I'll stay fit. I don't feel like signing up for another gym. Romeo isn't around here but he did some exploring and found a decent looking beach nearby, one I'm ever so anxious to go to. I have a feeling my breakdowns aren't stopping soon and staying at the beach has always worked for me, no matter how stupid it may be.

When you think of a spot you'd go to cry usually you'll think of your shower or bed or something like that. But when you're in those places people can hear you. They'll ask what's going on and I don't want to tell them why, they'll think I'm a freak or something. So going somewhere secluded and out of the way is a better solution, in my mind at least. I don't want the people I'm around to think there's something wrong with me, even though I know there is.

The way to the beach is long enough, but straightforward. Draco and I walk in a bit of a silence. I feel like a lot of the time we don't know what to say around each other. He's a bit of a mystery. He seems more secretive than the others and is always catching himself saying something. Using that strange muggle word and all. I wonder if he's a part of some secret mafia organization that he's trying to escape from, but honestly even the thought of that is so incredibly unrealistic it makes my brain hurt. I doubt a mafia related person would have anything to do with a bunch of idiot college age kids. And it wouldn't explain his lack of knowledge of the world either, if he was involved with something like that he would probably be associated with all types of dealers and things like that. But why am I even bothering? It isn't my business in the first place.

Eventually we reach a large brick wall, twice the height of me. You can't see anything over it. The indicator that this is a beach is the worn down sign with the label on it. The only thing letting you through is a tall gate, luckily it's barely open. I push it open to reveal a gloomy beach, much grayer than the one near my old house back in the U.S. The beach is long but the waves crashing to the shore are dark and violent. Thankfully the beach seems to go on for a few hundred feet before it reaches that point. The sand looks colorless but it's very fine and grainy with lots of little pebbles mixed in with it, almost like half of the sand had been ground up and another bunch of rocks had been dumped on it. So it's safe to say I am not taking off my shoes. I start to walk down the beach, gesturing Draco to follow. He's still by the gate and looks skeptical, as if something here might try and hurt us. Thankfully, as you get closer to the water the sand becomes a lot less pebbly and a lot more smooth. Once it gets to this point I sit down.

The air is a bit cool, thankfully I have a loose zip up sweatshirt on over my tank top and sweatpants. After a moment I hear the sound of approaching footsteps and Draco comes to sit besides me. I sit crisscross and he sits with his legs bent up and his arms around them, like an upright fetal position if that makes sense. He looks a lot more tense than last night.

"Why did we come here?" Draco almost whispers, as if he could break the moment with the gentlest of words.

I breathe in the cool air. "The beach just holds a special place in my heart. There was one back where I lived growing up and I went there almost daily, so having a place here too is nice," I reveal.

Draco nods his head, trying to understand. "I've only been to the beach a few times. My parents didn't like it much and I grew up in the center of England where I had no access to one. I suppose I can see why you like it though, I guess."

I let out a soft laugh. "Yeah, it's a bit ironic though. I love the city a lot more than the beach but I always seem to find myself caught up here. Has that ever happened to you?" I ask tentatively.

"Yeah," he breathes out. "When I was in school there was this place I always went to, to be alone and all. After a bit it got completely ruined for me, I never returned after. Either way the place got destroyed. Good riddance."

I frown. What a dreadful thing to happen. Nobody deserves to have their safe space violated or destroyed. "I know it probably won't mean anything to you, but I'm truly sorry about that. I know the word sorry doesn't really have a significance but I really mean it. I promise." I look at him, staring off into the distance. Wow is he good looking. 

"I appreciate it I suppose. There's nothing you can do anyways, it's in the past. And I'd like to keep it like that." Draco replies. I'm glad he isn't upset. And I'm glad I took him here. This is about the deepest conversation we've had. 

"Hm," I wonder aloud. "Do you think that we dwell on the past too much? Isn't it the only thing holding us back?"

Draco looks up to the sky. "Maybe, but we still need the past. Because if we didn't have it we would probably be a lot shittier people. I mean in the past I wasn't a good person and I realized it. But now I don't want to be like that anymore. I left my hometown because everyone hated me, and rightfully so. But it's too late for me. I didn't realize until I'd already ruined everything." His voice breaks, sounding completely hopeless. 

"Don't worry about it," I say. "Because it's never truly too late. You aren't even out of your teens yet. You can turn around and change for the better. It's not like it's impossible, you aren't on your deathbed. I mean, I'm not the best person to give advice. I have a completely negative mindset on life... but usually things will be okay if you look at them from a lighter angle." I look at him and smile softly. 

Draco smiles back, the faintest of smiles. The only one I've ever seen on him. I wonder what his face would look like in a full grin, when he feels completely happy. I think that'll be my new goal. To make him happy like that. His life hasn't seemed to easy so far, and if I couldn't fix mine I could at least try to make it better for someone else. 

"Thanks," he whispers. "No one's ever really given me a chance before. Especially a person like you." But I don't realize that he means it in a completely different way than I could ever think.


	13. all yours

I am finally at work. Last week was my break but now I really need to get my shit together so I have enough money to maintain my part of the rent. I would feel absolutely horrible if I didn't keep up with my side. It's been three days since me and Draco had that last conversation and I'm almost completely sure he's avoiding me. I've been wondering if I said something wrong, or maybe he just doesn't want to be around me anymore. I'm sure it's nothing... just my overthinking brain. Sometimes I hate being an over thinker. Sometimes it's nice because I can get a bad feeling about something, think about it way too much and avoid it. But also it drags me away from people because I distance myself when I feel like I've done something wrong. Either way I've always been horrible at confrontation.

When I was younger, in middle school I always had these horrible periods where for months and months I would have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Get up, clean my room, do my schoolwork, even eat. I never knew what was going on and nobody else seemed to either.

My parents would always yell at me for my bad grades. So I began to hide everything. Each time I did this they eventually found out and it blew up in my face. My mom would corner me in my room and wouldn't let me eat or leave until I told her what was wrong. Every time this happened she would scream at me to tell me what happened when I didn't know, and I'd repeat it over and over again until I was screaming so loud my voice died and my eyes had no more tears left. Often when this happened (at least once or twice a month), I would be left without food for the day. I started to get hunger pains for not eating the whole day and I had to sneak all my food in.

After that all happened, eventually almost ending in sophomore year I absolutely hated being confronted about anything. I don't like for people to confront me and I don't want people to feel how I did if I confronted them. Not that I'd ever do anything psychotic like that. 

"Are you doing okay?" My boss asks me, a kind and petite old woman with a sweet accent. Her name is Ada and she has white hair and wears red lipstick, something she told me she wears because it reminds her of her teenage years in the fifties. I think I could sit down with her at one point and just listen to what she could tell me about those times. Historic things always have been the most interesting subjects I've learned about. Whether it be history about events that happened decades, or even thousands of years before I was born it always intrigues me. Being around a woman who grew up in a now historic timeline is so wonderful, I'm sure learning about a time frame from someone who actually lived there would be a lot more interesting than what an old book could tell me. 

I look up from the book I was reading. "Yes, I love it so far," and I do. This store is small but in a very cozy way, the exact opposite of the one I worked at in America. I have to stop comparing the two though. It won't get me anywhere useful. There's a small fireplace in the corner, with a few couches surrounding. When I arrived here I asked Ada if it was a fire hazard and she simply laughed and told me it wasn't. I don't think there's one empty wall in here, not including the front one with the door and windows. The ceilings aren't incredibly high, maybe nine feet or so. They're still quite a lot taller than my height so I can't really complain. All of the books in the store are mostly older ones though, Ada said she doesn't like selling all of the new ones, only a few. So most of the books in here are classics and history books, which I don't mind at all. Sometimes it's nice to look back into the past. 

In the opposite corner of the fireplace is the checkout desk, where I'm sitting. Currently I'm the only employee working this day and it makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, I like people but not to the point where I'm comfortable around them easily. It seems I was lucky with the group I live with. They're all kind in one way or another, and the extroverted ones aren't the ones who will try to make you feel uncomfortable for their entertainment. 

I hate those types of people. When I was in my freshman year I was taking an advanced class, for science I think. I've never liked science but the subject comes pretty easily to me. I was in a class with mostly people a year older than me and there was this group of three or four "popular" kids who would spend the class flirting and laughing with each other. And I know, this sounds fairly harmless. But at random times one of them would choose a random kid in class, preferably one who didn't seem comfortable talking to them, and would start asking them strange questions and reporting it back to their friends or something like that. I remember one conversation like this specifically:

"Hey, Shawn! What're you doing there?" Asks popular kid number one. 

Shawn, a shy kid with long dark curly hair looks up, shock on his face. "What?" 

Popular kid two snickers. "What are you doing?" Popular kid one asks again. 

He looks down at the thing he was drawing, some sort of anime character. He's actually quite talented. "Um well, I'm just drawing something."

Popular kid one whispers to popular kid two and three not so discreetly. "What are you drawing then, Shawn?"

Shawn frowns before holding up his drawing. "It's a character from this show I watch," he almost whispers. See, anime shows still aren't crazy popular, and the more well known kids usually shit on them all the time. When they usually watch shows like Friends, so they really can't say anything. 

Popular kid one snickers. "Hey, (I don't care to remember their name) and (same thing here) Shawn's drawing something from an anime show. What do you think?" 

Popular kid two whispers to popular kid three. "I think it's really great Shawn. Say, you put a lot of detail into that. Are you getting off to that or something?" One of them asks, laughing obnoxiously. 

Shawn looks down at his drawing, suddenly not liking it much anymore. I see this as my chance to say something. 

"So he can't just enjoy a show? What do you do then? Get off to Clueless or something?" I seethe. No hate to Clueless though, it was an entertaining movie. Just came out rather recently too. But I know it's what they're watching. 

Popular kid three looks at me with an expression of disgust. "God no. That's disgusting." 

"Then take that as your answer to the stupid ass question you asked. Keep your bitchiness to yourself." I glare. 

"Whatever. You're just a social reject anyways." Popular kid two says before whispering between the three of them. Good riddance. 

Shawn turns around to me, tears in his brown eyes. He reminds me of a sweet puppy. "T-thanks," he says quietly. I smile at him and put my hand on his arm. He sits next to me after all. 

"Anytime, they needed to be put in their place. And either way, your drawing is super good. If you keep practicing I bet you'll have a future in animating or something like that." I say.

He smiles at me. "Do you really think so?" 

I nod. "Of course."

After that day we hung out a few times. He was actually a pretty cool guy. We even went on a date once, to the movies. But at the end of the year he had to move away so it didn't really go anywhere. Before he moved he did tell me that he wouldn't forget what I said to him. I was pretty hung up for a few months, before I became distracted with things that were more prominent in my life. I still think of him every so often. Not enough to count for anything though. 

My shift ended a few hours later, so now I'm heading to that record shop again. I want to pick up a few more records and get to move on with my collection. It's helpful that the book shop is on the same street as the record shop also. My shift ended at four so it's still pretty light outside, and it's just coming down from the heated part of the day. It's pretty cloudy out but thankfully there isn't much humidity. Where I'm from we got a lot of that, and I quickly learned to hate it. But here it is cloudy a lot and I don't know if I love it or hate it. 

I open the door to the shop, breathing in the strange smell I remember from the first day I arrived. Vinyls are lined up in the same way they were before, but I notice there are a few different ones here and there. I sift through them, carefully picking out three that are appealing. One is an old record that I used to have. If I remember correctly it's the one that was playing the day my dad burned everything. Maybe I can re purpose it to hold a better memory in my head. Sighing, I place it with the others. 

Waiting for me at the register is the boy I remember working here when I arrived. James. I place my records down on the counter before smiling and saying, "So we meet again." 

James turns around with a grin. "So we do," He replies, taking the first record and doing whatever he needs on the computer. "How come it's taken you so long to return?" 

I laugh. "Just settling in and all. Not like I just moved here." 

"Give me a break. It's been over a week and you hadn't visited me yet." James mocks a look of hurt on his features. I slap his arm playfully.

"You're acting like you're my grandfather who's in a retirement home or something! Give it a rest. It's not like I wasn't going to come back eventually." And it's true. Maybe I had forgotten a little bit, but I was going to come back. 

James rolls his eyes while smiling. "I'm glad you came though, even though it took forever. It's been so boring being here by myself. There's barely anyone who comes in." He groans. 

"Calm down, of course barely anyone comes around. This town isn't very big you know. I wouldn't expect it to be like how shops are in New York City. And I doubt you would prefer having a line to the corner of people waiting for you to check them out." I point out. 

"Ugh, no." James shudders. "Sounds like a nightmare. I'd much rather be bored out of my mind. Better than all of that labor." 

I laugh loudly. "I have to get home now, I'm exhausted. You aren't the only one with a job. But if you're that bored out of your mind you can come hang out with me and my roommates if you'd like. Just don't murder us or anything," I joke, pulling out a pen from my coat pocket. I always keep one, just in case. "Can you grab me a piece of paper or something?" I ask. 

"Oh, yeah," James replies, quickly ripping a piece off of a blank page of something. I hope that wasn't important. "Thanks for the invite Jo." 

I shrug. "No biggie. I used to get lonely sometimes so it's nice to hang out with people. Besides, it would be refreshing to see someone new come around." I write the address neatly on the paper. "Can you read that?" It's in cursive. 

"Clear as day," James grins. 

"Great then," I reply, grabbing my vinyls. "Have a nice evening James!" 

"You too!" He shouts as I close the door behind me, stepping back onto the street. Time to head home. 

After about ten minutes I reach the gate, having almost memorized the way back. I only had to look at my instructions once. I would look at a map but those are way too confusing for me. Instructions that I've written are a lot more straightforward. 

Stepping through the door I just about run into someone's chest. By the cologne and dark material of the shirt I can tell exactly who it is. Draco. He quickly takes a few steps back which gives me the space to close the door behind me. He's holding that journal thing again, so I'm guessing he was about to go outside to write in it. I don't know why he's so secretive about it, but it isn't really my business if he doesn't want to tell me. And I won't ask either, he doesn't seem like he wants to open up about things like that anytime soon, which I have to respect.

"Where were you?" Draco asks, voice a bit raspy. It's almost like he hasn't spoken the whole day or was just yelling a whole bunch. 

I look up at him. His eye bags are dark as ever and it doesn't even seem like he's making an effort to hide them. It's clear he has some sort of trouble going on. "I was at my new job, at the book store downtown. I started today." I say.

"Oh, erm, that's nice." He replies, seeming a bit awkward. "Was the boss alright? I know they're sometimes a pain in the ass." 

I faintly smile. Draco's very right, it seems I got lucky or something. "Yeah, she's this old woman who grew up in the 50's. She has to be the most interesting person I've met before." 

Draco almost smiles at this, like he knows something I don't. He quickly wipes it off his face though. Strange. "What's so interesting about her being alive then?" He asks, instead of bringing up something different.

"Well I really love history, and her being alive during those times means she maybe could tell me what it was like living then. I dunno, I just really love learning about it." I run my fingers through my hair nervously. 

Draco shrugs. "I mean whatever you like. I can't stand the past, I'd rather just move on. It's a waste of time." He shocks me a bit with that answer.

"Maybe I could change your mind," I shoot back. 

"Maybe someday," Draco replies. "Catch me when I'm free and I'm all yours."


	14. titanic

It's now Friday, I'm finished with work, and I'm buying a movie. Draco said that if I caught him I would get to teach him a bit about history, and I'd really like him to love it the way I do. I know I can't force it or anything but it's just so interesting to me that I wish I could get everyone to like it too.

So today I went to the store and bought a DVD of Titanic, aka one of my favorite movies ever. It's still pretty new and it came out the same year as DVD's and they didn't have any released as those until this year. So you could say I'm very very excited about getting this. It was a bit expensive, as you would expect with any new product but it was worth it. And thankfully they already had a DVD player at the house... paying for something like that would've been a whole different story.

I'm starting with Titanic because: one, the movie is phenomenal. Two, it's a very big and intriguing event in history. And three, I feel like the fashion and grandiosity of it all will impress Draco quite a bit. And maybe give him a bit of a taste of how being poor was back then. If seeing the metro freaked him out I don't want to know what he'll think of seeing homeless people begging on the streets.

I take out the brand new DVD from its casing. It's so shiny. Carefully placing it into the player it slides in and the television slowly turns on, bringing me to a home screen. It shows the different scenes you can fast forward to and the play button, things like that. I stand up and go to find Draco. Hopefully he'll be willing to watch this with me though. It might help that I set this all up in a smaller living room type area. The big main one is a bit out of the way but it's still very spacious. Although it's beautiful, it isn't a very comfortable place to watch a movie.

Stopping by the kitchen I grab a bag of popcorn, too lazy to get one of those popping bags to put in the microwave. Heading upstairs I'm pretty sure I know where Draco is.

I knock on his door a few times, a bit quietly but I'm sure he'll hear. I dunno, it's just a feeling. After a minute or so of waiting I hear footsteps approaching the door and abruptly it's pulled open, startling me a bit. Draco's in his typical black attire, but this time his sweatshirt has that strange snake symbol again. It's probably a band or something, or maybe a family crest. One of the kids at my high school had one of those, she had a pendant with the crest on it. I was a bit jealous of it, not gonna lie.

"Is there something you need?" He asks impatiently. Maybe this won't be as easy as I thought.

I look to his face, trying to find an emotion. I noticed that about him, he rarely shows any. His face is usually passive looking or completely blank, as if he's in another universe half the time I see him. I used to space out like that in class, thinking about random things. I'd always get really pissed when someone distracted me from my daydreams, so I've never said anything about them to Draco. Even though he doesn't show them often, his emotions are clearly fragile. For such a big man he seems to be made out of porcelain.

"Well, you said I could show you a bit about history, so I prepared a movie for us to watch," I smile, mentally crossing my fingers, hoping he agrees to it.

Draco runs a hand through his platinum colored hair. I wonder if it's naturally like that. "Is it some stupid documentary or something? I had to watch one of those before and it was insufferable."

I giggle. He'll be surprised. "No, it's a fictional movie about a real life event. The protagonists aren't real people but some of the other characters are. I promise it isn't anything like a documentary though." And I am not lying.

"Fine," he gives in, letting out a harsh breath. "Go on, lead me or whatever." Draco gestures towards the direction of the stairs with his hand. "Even though I was joking."

Of course. "And I wasn't. Now follow me," I say. I turn back around and guide him down the stairs and to the somewhat hidden room. I mean, it isn't exactly small. But it's still a big difference to the other rooms here. I throw the unopened bag of popcorn on the nearby couch and go to the other end of the room to press play on the movie. Thankfully the television is fairly big and has large speakers, so we don't have to worry about seeing or anything. Unless Draco actually has shit vision and is covering it up. Maybe he wears contacts or something.

"What's all this?" Draco asks as he walks over to the television, squinting at the pre-credits start to play.

I move over to the couch and pat the seat besides me. "It's the movie we're going to watch. Titanic."

He slowly moves over to me and sits on the other side, a bit far away from where I am. I wonder if he's a little bit scared to come closer. I mean I am leaning off the edge. I scoot a little bit closer to the middle and move my legs up on the couch to sit in a crisscross way, taking the popcorn into the space between my legs to open it. After that I set it in the middle just in case. 

Throughout the movie he makes little comments which i really appreciate. Surprisingly he's a very funny person. I said something about Leonardo Dicaprio being handsome and he replied something along the lines of, "Psh, I could give him a run for his money any day. I'm way better looking than him," which I said back something about that only happening in his dreams. Obviously I was joking around but he still gave me a not so serious glare.

He also seemed to get very annoyed with some of the characters. He called Cal an "utter disgrace to mankind" and the men who were on lookout for icebergs "ignorant idiots who have much better things to do than spy on a teenaged couple." Also something along the lines of them being perverts. I didn't object anything he said though, I mostly laughed through the movie. Every time I giggled he would look at me and turned back to the movie looking a bit proud with himself.

"So how did you think of it?" I ask, turning to Draco with tears in my eyes. This isn't my first time finishing Titanic but it never fails to make me cry when Jack dies. He tries to discreetly wipe a tear out of his eye. I would laugh but I'm a bit too emotionally distraught for that at the moment.

Draco leans back against the couch. "It was good but the end was absolute rubbish. He just dies? There was plenty of space for him on the door so Rose should've just let him on. And they didn't even end up together in the end! Not while they were alive at least," Draco comments while using his hands in a very expressive way, showing his frustration.

"Well I read an article about it and Jack had to die. I think that it was sweet though, that he'd die for her. And I think it's good that Rose didn't die after him, it proved that they had a good and healthy relationship." I say.

Draco furrows his brow. "But what about Romeo and Juliet? Wasn't that one of the best love stories of all time? They died to be with each other in the end. Isn't that how love should be?"

Honestly, I could see how he thinks that but I disagree. I had to read Romeo and Juliet in english class and their relationship really wasn't one to romanticize. "Actually no, they were just really obsessed with each other in an unhealthy way. I'm sure they did love each other, but not enough to want to live. The difference with Jack and Rose is that Jack's death was so Rose could live, and Rose lived on for Jack. If that makes any sense, you know?"

He nods. "I suppose. It's just angering how they didn't end up together. But I can see that. I noticed how at the end, all of the pictures are lined up with the things Jack promised to her, and the last one was how she died. An old woman. And that's why she couldn't die, because it was his last wish." Draco realizes.

I smile. I knew there was a brain in there somewhere. "Exactly, that's what I think. I just think it's wonderful how the movie shows how toxic relationships aren't good. Like, so many books show how being toxic or obsessed is the way to love, but it isn't. To love is to understand and care, but also be okay letting go in the end if you need to."

"Yeah, I can agree with that I think. I don't like it, but it's the right thing." Draco notes. "I'd rather be with the one who I love forever though. If I found that I would never want to let it go. Do you know how I feel?" He looks over to me, a lot of feelings swimming in his eyes, ones that I can't seem to figure out yet. I can understand though. It would be wonderful to be unendlessly in love with someone like that, and have someone love me in that way too.

"Yeah. I think someone like that is your soulmate. And once I have them with me I'll never let them slip out of my fingers. That's too precious to leave in the past."


	15. journal one- draco

It's been just over a year since it happened and yet I can't seem to forget. That terrible build up to that one day that changed my whole life. I never thought that my upbringing and youth would lead to something like that, and I hate myself for being so naive.

I can still remember it like it was yesterday. The whole entire war. Every flash of green light and every dead body that hit the ground. I can still remember it all. I remember that many of the people I knew and saw in the hallways at school are now dead, most of them I had bullied at some point. Why couldn't I just suck it up and be the person I always wanted to be? Why did it take this long to realize that my stupid actions from those years would end me up in a terrible place?

I'm now stuck with all of these wretched muggles. Maybe I still hate them, or maybe I just hate people in general. The only thing I realized so far is that they're practically the same as us. They hold the same prejudices in different ways and still act the same. Why did it take me so long to realize this? Why couldn't I see it before?

The simplest answer would be that it's my father. My stupid father that ruined my life. But that would be completely incorrect. Because I also realized that other people were able to see things differently than self-righteous purebloods and their own parents. So why couldn't I?

The conclusion I have come to is that I'm a complete and utter coward. Yes, I might've been disowned by my father if I made friends with the muggleborns and stupid Potter. But would I be happier that way? I'm sure I would. I was always envious of Potter and his friends. Even though he lost his parents and half of the people he loved in his teenage years he still stayed happy. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was "the chosen one" and didn't let anyone forget it. He saved all of us from Voldemort and bad things for the whole time we were in school and I guess that made him better than everyone else. But I was so jealous of him. I didn't care that he lost more than me, I just cared that he had the friends and support and love that I never did.

I never got along with the other slytherins, just Blaise and Theo mostly. Sometimes I got along with Daphne Greengrass but most of the time she was off with Pansy. She was a bore anyways. So was her annoying sister. I remember she was one of the only ones who seemed to not care about the blood purity thing. Bit of an outcast I suppose. She was friends with a lot of ravenclaws and got called a blood traitor for being friends with muggleborns. Her sister always defended her though. But Crabbe and Goyle, who everyone thought were my best friends were really the most insufferable gits I have ever met. I was almost relieved when Goyle fell into that fire in the room of requirement, if I'm to be completely honest.

But I would've gave anything to be like Potter. He seemed to have everything even though he lost so much. Everything would've been so different for me if I didn't decide to do everything my father told me. But how could I not? It seemed like every day since my birth I was never good enough for him. Every time he caught me playing with Dobby when I was young or being kind to someone who didn't have blood as pure as mine I was punished. So I suppose that I began to think that I was better than everyone else. I was rich, my blood was pure, I was popular in my house, what else could someone ever want?

I soon realized that there were other things I could want. One was someone who could understand. Someone who would listen to me and my struggles and not judge me or tell me that my demons are stupid because I'm rich and pureblooded. Or someone that could offer their arms for me to cry into. I don't know what I would give for someone to care for me like that. But it seemed I always had to cry in secret, because men like me aren't supposed to cry.

But everything changed once I realized how truly terrible my kind was. My father said the most terrible things about muggles and muggleborns that I never want to repeat. And then Voldemort resurrected. At first I didn't believe Potter but when I saw the Daily Prophet announcing his return everything changed.

The manor became the place of meetings for the death eaters and Voldemort. And then I got the dark mark on my arm. It was the most painful thing I ever endured in my life. And for awhile I resented my mother, already hating my father because of it. No matter what I did it wouldn't go away. Cutting, scratching, trying to burn it off. Nothing worked. I just was left with scratch marks and scars all over it. I still have it actually. It won't go away. It's like a reminder of all the terrible things I represent.

All because of my resentment of muggles. But that all changed when I banished myself from the wizarding world after the war. I loved it there, don't get me wrong, but everyone hated me. It was impossible for me to go anywhere without getting looks or whispers. I hated myself so much, more than I ever had before. More than even sixth year when I had to fix that bloody cabinet. So I went to the muggle world instead.

No wizard or witch would suspect me to go to the muggle world, full of people they thought I hated. But once I arrived and figured a few things out I realized I'm just one of them with a few advantages. Instead of blood prejudice and obsession with purity they had all of these other terrible things they went through as well. I saw all of the same things that wizards seemed to do as well.

And when I saw a muggle child fall down on the street, a cut making his leg bleed I realized that their blood looked exactly the same as mine. Everything I was told my whole life was a lie. Our blood looked the same. I learned a few things and realized that there was no magic in my blood. It was in my DNA instead. It appeared from muggle logic that my magic was some sort of gene, a dominant one that was dying out. So maybe a few of my genes were different, but my blood wasn't. And this all just made me feel that much worse about myself. I realized that I am worse that anyone else, not better.

My new beliefs took a while to change, so I isolated myself in a big house. It reminded me a little bit of the manor I grew up in, but it was light and full of windows which contrasted so much. The walls weren't dark or medieval, they were light and gilded with some sort of gold and wood craftsmanship. It was perfect in my eyes.

But then I overheard two muggle girls who had run away from home speaking about not having a place to live. So me wanting to change my ways, I offered them a place to stay at my new home. I lied to them and told them that I was paying rent and I would split it with them, because I'm sure they wouldn't stay if it seemed they were depending on me. So instead with the money they gave me I put it aside for groceries and electricity (which I didn't know much about) and things like that. And I suppose it helped me with the fact that the Anna girl looked like a Weasley and the Daphne girl looked like a Potter. It made me feel a bit like I was making up for how I treated them for all of those years.

Anna, ever the socialite met Romeo, then Ollie and begged me to let them stay with us too. I agreed because I wasn't going to lie, Anna's company is very tiring. I thought that maybe having others here would make her bug the others more.

Daphne I don't mind at all. She's quiet and kind, which I appreciate a lot. She's the only one who knows I'm a wizard because I told her. I suppose when I met her she reminded me a lot of my cousin, Luna. She didn't mind when I told her what I was. She just listened to my problems sometimes. Not big ones, just the simple little ones. Mostly I just complain to her though.

I thought that Anna was done with the recruiting but she insisted on asking this other girl, an American to join as well. Anna told me that she was a university student who didn't have a place here to live. I wanted Anna to leave me alone so I approved.

I didn't expect though, for the new girl to be how she was. I didn't pay attention when she walked through the door, but I immediately noticed her when I heard her slightly raspy American accent down the hall. It was, is, the most beautiful voice I've ever heard.

The first thing I noticed about her was her looks. I'll be honest, I thought she was part veela at first. She looks like one of those girls in the old paintings in one of those muggle museums. I pretended to not care but secretly I liked the way her hand felt against mine when we shook while greeting each other.

And her name is something that still puzzles me a bit. Josephine. Jo. Why would she want to go by a man's name? A lot of things about Josephine are a mystery to me. She never says much about her past and I've heard crying come from her room once or twice at night when I sneak down to play piano. I know she's hiding something.

She pretends to reveal something about her so you'll be satisfied with her answers and feel like you know her. But you don't. She's barely said anything about her parents or her home life. Josephine has only told me things about her insights on the world, which I'll admit are fairly interesting. I think she's my favorite muggle so far.

Josephine looks so different from everyone I've met in the wizarding world for some reason. Maybe it's her unique sense of beauty. She has dimples when she smiles and it gives me some sort of butterflies whenever she does it. It makes me want to make her smile more and more, and I don't understand it. But to me, she's new and kind and understanding and it's the most refreshing thing in my life.

She doesn't remind me of the wizarding world or anything surrounding that. She's like a fresh start. A breath of fresh air. And I don't want to push her away, I want to know her better and be her friend. I want to know everything about her. I'm a bit scared of it, but I'm not letting it go.

-Draco


	16. stuck

I'm sitting at the beach again. I think that this may begin to become my old habit, one I should probably give up. But I don't want to. I can't seem to. It's like an internal struggle almost.

I think that I hate the beach. I stand here and I hate it but I can't leave. Why can't I?

It's been a week, I think since I really interacted with anyone. It started when I called Sage and Marcus. I was thinking about what Layla had said about calling them and maybe it was the right decision. Leaving them in the past was a shitty thing to do and I realized it. And at the time I thought it wasn't too late. I could still speak to them and it would be alright.

When I called Sage's phone they were both together. It was pretty late at night, because of the time differences we had. I wanted to call them in the afternoon when they were still awake and maybe not in a terrible mood. To say they weren't expecting my call was a complete understatement. They were absolutely livid and to save all the gory details, in the end they said that I should never call them or seek them out again. I knew I deserved it a week ago and I still know that now.

Maybe if I was just upfront with them and not a complete coward I would still have their friendship. But maybe I just deserve this. They were always kind to me and I betrayed them. Well it feels like I have.

It's hard to lose the people you love. It feels like at some point of my life everyone left. Friends over the years, parental figures, my grandmother. Everyone leaves after awhile. Maybe they get tired of me, or maybe I'm just destined to be alone.

Are people meant to be alone? I hope that isn't the case. But it seems like that's how the world wants us to be. And the one thing I truly wish for is to be able to love myself. If I'm stuck with myself forever why does it have to be so unbearable? Out of everyone for me to be with, why does it have to be myself that I'm stuck with? I hate myself.

I came here to find a sanctuary, a place safe away from my parents and everything that happened back at home. The feelings I felt at home. It was like there was some sadness overcoming me and there was practically nothing I could do to control it. But when I'm away from the problems they still seem to find a way to follow me along.

Nothing wrong has happened to me in the past few weeks but I still find my head repeating words that don't feel good to hear, words that make me cry myself to sleep every night. Do I have to go even farther to be happy? Will that work? I'm afraid of how hopelessly desperate I've become.

I lay down on the coarse sand, watching the waves come in and go back out. It's a little bit chilly because of the weather today but I feel too numb to even bother to shiver. That's another thing that I feel, or lack to feel. Numbness. It's like I try to be happy or something like that but it just feels numb all day. It's almost like feeling nothing at all.

Sometimes the numbness gets so unbearable to a point where I listen to depressing songs and make myself cry just to feel something. It's probably unhealthy but it's better than feeling nothing at all. I wish I could be carefree like Anna. She always seems to not have a care in the world and just does what makes her happy. But then again, maybe I don't. Maybe it's similar to the mask I put up. It seems that everyone has some type of mask though. No matter how happy they are.

"Hey! What are you doing here? It's about to rain you stupid girl," I hear from behind me. I'm probably meant to feel insulted but if it's who I think it is then I know he meant it in a somewhat endearing way.

Turning around, I see Draco run down the beach the wind blowing his loose shirt a bit. After a minute or two he reaches me, just as I sit up. Sitting down besides me, he lets out a heavy breath and says, "So are you gonna answer my question or not?"

"Well, you know how I said that the beach was like a safe space for me?" I wait for him to nod before I continue. "Well it's a bit comforting to be here with all this. Hearing the waves crash on the beach and the wind blow through my hair. I dunno, it's just nice to me."

"No, no," Draco says. "I understand. I can see why you like it so much. It's like your room of requirement. The place I had." He looks up at the cloudy sky, probably checking if there is any rain about to fall.

I look up too. "Room of requirement, huh? Sounds ominous." I comment. "What was it like before it burnt down?" I ask.

Draco hesitates a bit before answering. "It was special. You could say that you wouldn't be able to find it unless you had a very good reason to go looking for a place like it. That's why it was so nice, because if I was the only person trying to find it than nobody else could bother me. I didn't really want anyone else to know stuff about me, I guess. Most of the people I knew in school weren't the best people per say. Kind of shitty actually." He snorts.

"Well, people are pretty shitty in general," I smile. "That place sounds nice. Almost like magic or something, the way nobody could find it."

Draco laughs a bit humorlessly. "Almost like magic. Wouldn't that be nice." I almost don't catch the sarcasm in his tone. Maybe I should change the subject.

"What's your favorite color?" I ask. Draco raises his eyebrows, almost expecting me to be joking. Only I'm not. "I think that colors are almost like reflections of our emotions. Our favorite colors probably reflect how we're feeling, depending on how you interpret it. Like most people would associate yellow with happiness and blue with sadness. But they could be the opposite for others I suppose. But it's like sharing your emotions in a way of not really exposing yourself."

"What's your favorite color then?" Draco asks, nudging me with his shoulder.

I glare playfully. "But I asked you first!"

"Don't care." He leans back onto his elbows.

I roll my eyes in response. "My favorite color is dark forest green, the dull kind. Like when it's rainy outside and you look at the trees they will be that exact color. Or when you see one of those old Victorian houses with the dark green furniture or cabinets I suppose. Does that make sense?" I ask, turning to him.

He nods. "It does. My favorite color is blue, but the dark blue that's the color of the sky at night. It's like no matter where you are the sky will always be that blue at night, and it's when you can see the stars the best. And one of the only things I think I love in this world are the stars, almost everything is shit."

Hm. It seems like the more I find out about him the more confused I become. But I can appreciate the stars too, especially the moon. They're all beautiful.

"I like that. I like the moon best, I like the idea that no matter where you are the moon is always the same. Almost like it's watching over you or something. Like, the sun goes away at night but the moon is always there. And I think it's twice as beautiful as the sun could ever be." I look down at Draco to notice that he seems to be studying my features already. A blush seems to creep up my face.

He notices too, smirks, and turns his eyes back to the sky, the light making the blue so much clearer. "Yeah. The moon's something special. Our own personal grey space rock."

I hit his arm. "Hey! I'm trying to get all deep here and you're just making fun of me!"

Draco lets out a loud laugh, his face contorting into a smile. A full smile. Something flutters in my chest. I think seeing that makes me want to let him make fun of me as much as he'd like, only if he smiles like that again.

"Sorry," Draco returns. "Your expression was just too funny." He puts his hands over his eyes before moving them up to run through his hair. I wonder if his hair is as soft as it looks. I need to stop.

Out of nowhere, rain starts to pour down in fast, cold drops. The rain soaks us in seconds, the clouds from above thundering quietly and the waves rising and crashing more violently.

"Oh my god!" I exclaim, hurrying to my feet and putting my hands above my eyes so that the raindrops don't get into my eyelashes and prevent me from seeing. My quick reaction seems to send Draco into another, more subtle fit of laughter. He doesn't even seem to bothered by it.

My eyes widen. "Aren't you going to get up? We're getting soaked!"

"Yeah, I suppose. I don't see why it's such a rush, it's just water." Draco stands up, brushing off his arms from the sand that he was leaning on.

"We could get struck by lightning," I point out.

Draco looks up at the sky, still unbothered. "I don't see, or hear anything."

"Do you know how things work? The lighting strikes first and then you hear the thunder up to like, twenty seconds after? Since we're so soaked, if lightning struck the beach we would probably not be on a good receiving end."

"Oh," Draco looks at the sand on the ground almost suspiciously. It's almost like saying how can something so puny be so dangerous? In reality, just about anything can be dangerous. Trust me, I've met a chihuahua before.

I think of the first thing that can come to my mind. I'm sure that Draco is somewhat competitive "I'll race you back to the house!"

I start running before he can really process my words, he's a few inches shorter than a foot taller than me so I am at a large disadvantage. "Hey! You cheated!" Draco shouts at me.

I laugh. "Better catch up then!" I yell back.

We run through the streets, which is probably dangerous considering there are still a small amount of cars on the road but surprisingly none of them really get close to us. I guess we're just too high on adrenaline to really care. I'm sure it will catch up when we get back home though.

At first I'm at a bit of an advantage but Draco gains a lot on me with his height and stamina, two things I am in major lack of unfortunately. Also, the rain weighs down my clothes a bit, my shoes not helping me run either.

In the end, Draco wins. When we get back to the house he decides that as the loser I have to make him brownies because they're apparently the best thing he's ever tasted. I'm sure he'll get over it soon considering he had them for the first time about three weeks ago according to Romeo.

Oh well. He's lucky I'm a brilliant cook. However, I can't stop thinking back to all of the peculiar things he's been saying ever since I've met him. I wonder if there's some secret society of old money english people or something that I just have no clue about. I'm sure I'll get to the bottom of it someday.


	17. lovely sun

Talking about that magic stuff has had me thinking. What if magic is real in some way? But not for everyone to know about, just hidden away in some way. It's a bit strange to think about. When I was young I always believed in magic. But then again, I also believed in Santa and the Tooth Fairy which were both fairly preposterous. But then again, there's still a possibility that things like mermaids exist. The likelihood of it isn't incredibly small since a huge part of the ocean is still widely unexplored.

But even though things like this are unlikely and a small chance, they're still nice to think about. People will call you crazy for thinking or believing it but if you keep it to yourself it isn't really hurting anyone.

At the door I hear the mailman drop our letters through the mail slot at the front door. I don't hear anyone else heading to grab them so I take it within myself to go and grab them to distribute.

Hurrying to the front, I lean down to get them all. There are quite a few this week, I can count nine or ten in my hand. I scan through them without really looking to see who they're addressed to.

Most of them are junk mail from shitty television subscription services that I've noticed Ollie has a bit of an addiction too. One is addressed to Daphne that seems to be from the college she's going to, one in a town over from the one Anna and I are attending. One's addressed to Draco from someone named Blaise Zabini. Bit of a strange name if you ask me. It's probably one of his old school friends. I mean, Draco isn't too common of a name so maybe this is a rich friend of his. What is up with rich people naming their kids these fancy names?

The last two are for Romeo, both are from his mother Rose. I've noticed he gets one or two letters from her every week. I think it's sweet that they have a good relationship, even if it makes me a bit jealous that I don't have the same. A girl can wish though.

I find Romeo first, he's again by the living area. The difference this time is that he is outside this time. From the big canvas he's painting on I can tell that he's painting the backyard, which is understandable. I haven't really spent much time out here since I've mostly been out or in my room, but it's really nice. There are tall thin trees lining the sides with shrubbery and rose plants but down the middle is a very big and long lawn. Before stepping down to the grass there is a large stone patio that holds a fire pit and grill on one side, new additions I'm guessing, and a group of seating on the other. But at the end of the lawn, fairly close to the back there's a large pool that I haven't yet looked at.

It's very sunny out today, a contrast from the past few. Even though I prefer the rain I still enjoy seeing the sun out quite a bit. I think here you can appreciate it a bit more since it doesn't show as often. The clouds are sparse in the sky, looking like wisps of smoke rising from a fire. I might go watch the clouds later. It's one thing I love to do, I find it very relaxing And if it gets warm enough later I can bask in the sun as well.

I go up to Romeo, tapping his shoulder. He turns to me from his painting and I silently hand him the letters from his mother. "These for me?" He asks. 

I nod. "Both from your mother. It's nice that you write back and forth with her so often." 

He grins. Romeo's smile is so bright it's almost blinding. "Yeah, we're pretty close. What about you and your mum?"

I freeze. I haven't really told anyone anything about my parents. "We just don't get along that well. Our views on things are just a tad different," I nervously laugh, hopefully not visibly enough that he notices. Thankfully, he just nods in acknowledgement and turns back to what he was doing, setting down the letters next to him on the ground. 

Subtly I let out a large breath. I think that I can get away with not telling too much about myself. Nobody seems to notice anyways. I don't want people to feel like they're living with a stranger, but I need to keep these things secret so they don't think they're living with some sort of lunatic.

Slipping back through the doors I find Ollie in the kitchen, cooking something again. He usually is. The large fridge is always filled to the brim with his gourmet meals, ones that are strange enough that I don't seem to understand. And no matter what you ask for, he always has a recipe for it. He must have some sort of recipe library somewhere because they always seem to appear out of nowhere. If the saying "cooking up a storm" was real, its description would be the picture right in front of me.

I don't want to startle Ollie by just tossing all of the junk mail on the table so instead I decide to wait until he looks up in this direction. Last time I announced his name he yelled at me for a good five minutes about how I messed up his dough flip. 

After what seems like forever, he finally turns his eyes to me. "Oh! Jo, how long have you been waiting here?" He says, eyes wide. 

"I didn't want to face your wrath, so I've been waiting here for awhile. But I've been handing around the mail and you have quite a lot here. Also you're the second person I saw who is receiving anything." I hand him the several junk letters, his doughy hand taking them. For someone who is so insistent on keeping his food together he doesn't seem to bothered to hold a bunch of probably very dirty letters in his hand. 

Ollie seems to skim through them all before tossing the lot into the garbage in the corner. "Thanks for delivering Jo," He waves me off. I assume he wants no more people near his presence. 

I assume that Daphne is in her room, or with Anna in her room. Their bathrooms are joint together so they don't really have complete privacy from each other, I don't know if I'd be able to do that. But I mean someday I'll share a bedroom with my husband so I guess they're just preparing for that stage. Or however close they can get to that stage. 

Fortunately I'm correct and when I knock on Daphne's door Anna answers, telling me that Daphne is inside and she'll just give the letter to her instead. Now I don't really know where Draco could be but the easiest place to start would be his room, or at least I think. 

I knock on his door quietly, hoping he'll hear. I hope he isn't in a standoffish mood today. I'm in too much of a good mood right now and I'd really not appreciate if it was ruined. Maybe the sun brings out the best in me, no matter how much I prefer other things. 

After a few moments Draco opens the door, looking a bit worse than usual. Not that he usually looks bad, just usually very tired. But today his hair is a mess and his eye bags are deeper than I've seen before. His pale skin isn't the typical healthy pale color where you have a bit of blush to your cheeks, he just looks very deprived of the sun. I don't really tan, I just stay pale but you can tell the difference from us either way.

"Are you alright?" I ask, not able to stop the words from falling out of my lips. 

Draco furrows his brow. "Obviously. If I wasn't I wouldn't be up right now." He looks me over. "Something special going on today?" He asks in a snarky tone, referring to my sundress. It's one with puffed short sleeves and a square neckline, it falls to my knees. I just wanted to dress so I would be able to sit out in the sun later, also they're a lot more comfortable than shorts. 

"No, I just wanted to lay out in the sun. Anyways I came to give this to you," I shrug off his snide tone. I hand him the letter from his friend, the last one I had to give. He takes it out of my hands carefully before opening it to read over quickly. "Anything interesting?" 

He scoffs. "No, just one of my idiot school friends is coming to the area and wants to visit me here. He's one of the few who know I moved." 

"I think that he should come. I mean I lost two friends over moving here so I'm sure he would appreciate getting to visit you." I try to advise. I doubt Draco will take my advice though. He doesn't seem like the type. He frowns. "But you could go to the back with me, if you'd like. It seems like you might need it, honestly." 

Draco glares. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

I shush him. "Are you going to join me or not?" Draco groans. 

"Fine. I will. I'm changing my shirt first though, I don't want to sweat. That's disgusting." He closes the door to his room quickly. I didn't even really get a good look, it was too dark. I'll admit I'm curious but I don't want to be intrusive and dig myself into a hole or something. "Alright, I'll go now." That was quick. 

Draco's changed only his shirt to another button down, but this one is white instead. He has his right sleeve rolled up but leaves his left all the way down. The white shirt suits him. 

We walk outside to the backyard, right in the center. Romeo doesn't even notice, he's too absorbed in what he's doing. I lay down in the grass, spreading my legs apart to be more comfortable and putting one hand on top of the other on my chest. Draco hesitantly lays down next to me, careful of the grass. Of course he's the type of person to worry about grass stains. 

I stare up at the clouds, watching each one move across the sky. If you focus enough you can see them moving. The sun from above warms my skin and makes me feel as if I'm melting into the earth. 

"Why are we doing this?" Draco asks. He's looking at me in a calculating way. 

I shrug. "It's relaxing and feels nice. Why not?"

"Fair enough." 

"I wish I was a cloud," I remark. "All you have to do is lazily float around the sky and watch down on everyone. Life would be so much simpler that way." 

Draco laughs. "I doubt it would be that nice. Clouds storm too. They aren't all peaceful, they're a mess. Just like all of us." 

I frown. "Well at least the sun is bright and happy." 

"Actually if-"

"Shut up. Just relax and stop focusing on the glass half empty."

"Fine." 

After ten minutes of laying in the sun Draco falls asleep. I'm glad, he really seems to need it. I follow soon after.


	18. visitors

Today is the day that Draco's friend visits. He reluctantly allowed him to stop by for the day and meet all of us. I feel bad if I might've pushed him to agree that time a few days ago, but I'm not going to lie, I'm very interested to see what he's like.

Draco was moody all yesterday, complaining about how we shouldn't clean the house or do anything to try to impress his friend. Our roommates thankfully are the sweetest people ever and completely ignored them. I helped clean too and he had his fair share of complaining to me.

Before I head downstairs this morning to go to the backyard I stop by Draco's door to see how he is. I want to start checking on him or something similar to that. This past week I've noticed his eye bags get darker and him get paler and his frame becoming thinner. I feel like something's going on but I just can't figure out what. It started after he left for a few hours one time. I didn't think much of it, but after he came home his eyes seemed a lot more defeated than they did before.

I knock on his door softly before hearing some sort of acknowledgement from him. "Do you mind if I come in?" I ask.

I hear a faint yes before opening the door. It's a huge contrast from mine. The walls are a darker color that I can't really make out because of how little light is getting in. The curtains appear to be a very dark blue, and block any light from getting in. They aren't closed all the way so a small amount of grey light still manages its way in, highlighting three lines across the floor. There are lots of trunks against the walls and lots of parchment papers on his desk, along with those strange quills he seems to write with.

His closet is wide open and filled completely with all black clothes, the ones that are brown, white, or grey stick out like sore thumbs. There's a bookshelf in the corner with a bunch of strangely labeled fantasy (I'm guessing) books. They all have weird titles that I can faintly see, one having to do with something called "quidditch" and another saying something about monsters or beasts.

But the one I'm looking for is sprawled across his bed. His hair is all messy and his blue eyes are staring off at nothing. He's wearing a black sweatshirt with matching plain sweatpants and looks as if he has no intention of changing that.

I slowly walk over to him, not wanting to disturb anything. I fall down on my knees to meet at eye level but he still won't look at me.

"Draco? What's wrong, and don't try to say nothing because there clearly is something." He finally turns his eyes to look at me, almost relieved in a sort of way. I feel intimidated in a way. I always feel that way when he looks at me with his full attention. Eye contact always intimidates me, but I can't seem to look away. "Tell me, please. It doesn't have to be much but I want to help you as much as I can."

He flips over so he's now laying on his back, and he slightly gestures for me to sit down next to him. "It's just, Blaise is the only one who knows about me coming here. And him coming to see me will only bring back memories. I'm not going to explain it, because I don't want you to hate me, but at my school something terrible happened. And the only thing I want is to forget it. But it keeps following me around, and I just want it to leave. Why can't it leave?"

Draco's voice sounds so desolate in a way, like everything to him is completely full of despair. It breaks my heart in a way. I would almost expect for a tear to fall down his face, but it doesn't. It does on mine though.

"Well, I have something that follows me too. And I don't want to explain it either but it tears me apart too. It's like, the things we never want to follow us always seem too. Just like shadows or something. They keep coming back and there seems to be almost nothing we can do about it. But I think it isn't completely hopeless. The only thing we can do is learn to accept them, I guess, but giving that advice would be hypocritical of me. Because I wouldn't be following it either." I try to explain.

"How did you get so wise?" Draco looks up at me.

I laugh. "I'm really not, I just read too much."

"Hm." Draco thinks to himself for a moment. "Do you think everything will be alright for us, someday? Do you think that we'll be fine?"

I put my hand on his shoulder gently as comfort, making sure he doesn't mind it first. "I know that everything will be okay in the end. My grandmother used to say that hardships may come and go, but it's only up to you to change or grow from them. In your heart, you're the only one who can overcome things. And I think that's true. So, someday, we'll come to our realization, or our acceptance. And then we'll have no baggage left on our shoulders."

"I wish it would hurry up," He complains.

"It isn't hurrying up because you aren't ready. You probably still haven't processed everything. Only then will you really be able to get over it, I think. It makes sense to me."

"I still wish he didn't have to come here," Draco protests. He looks close to crying.

"Can I hug you?" I ask.

When he nods I lean down to wrap my arms around him. He puts his chin on my shoulder and arms around my waist. I hold Draco close and he clings onto me like he needs it, just like I do. I haven't hugged anyone in months and I missed it. Whenever my parents tried to get near me I would always step away or flinch, almost unconsciously. But I don't mind this one bit. It's very nice.

Draco sniffles. "Thank you," he whispers.

"Always. If you need me for company anytime just come to me and I'll help you, alright? I can tell you haven't been sleeping and you don't look healthy. So please tell me so I can help you."

I don't say anything else until I feel him nod.

"Why are you so kind to me?" he asks.

I pull my arms back to place them on his shoulders so I can look into his eyes, so he knows completely that I'm telling him the truth. "Because I can tell that you haven't had many people being kind to you before, and I want to give that to you. Because everyone deserves to have someone be kind to them. It seems that in the world that the people deemed bad have been abused or manipulated their whole life, or have things going on in their mind that make it harder for them or cause them to be angry or crazy. But maybe if someone tried to understand them things would be so much easier."

Draco shrugs. "I don't really think I'm worth the effort. It's never really been worth it to anyone else. I don't want you to pity me."

I shake my head. "I don't pity you. I just want to be there for you and try to understand you. It's different. Everything's easier with someone by your side."

Instead of saying anything back, Draco holds me tightly to him again. I realize he's actually crying. His tears fall silently and immediately fall into my shirt, wetting the front but I don't really mind. It's clear he needs to.

That's one thing I've noticed about boys. They're taught to bottle and suppress their emotions to be "men" and it just turns them into emotionally unavailable partners and parents and ruins their loved ones, along with them. So being able to be vulnerable and cry is important no matter what.

The only proof I have of him crying is the way he shakes in my arms and the wetness I feel through my short. Nothing else could give it away, and I'm sure that's intentional because I do it too. I learned to cry silently so no one could see my pain or think anything was wrong. So everything about me, my deep eye bags that were separate from the genetic ones I inherited, my bad grades, my standoffish attitude were all things of mystery. My parents and my friends never knew of the breakdowns I had in my room or anything of the sort.

I just sit there as he hugs me and cries, rubbing his back and staring at the wall. I wouldn't mind sitting here for hours. I always have had this pull to helping people, maybe because I never really received it myself. Or maybe because I have always felt like the universe was torturing me and I had to make it up by being a better person or something. But the universe doesn't control people or anything like that. It was purely my chance that all these things have happened to me. It still doesn't stop me from trying to fix everything.

After minutes of laying there and trying to be of comfort to Draco, he stops crying and pulls back. He looks regretful in a way, almost as if he feels he's done something wrong. The rims of his eyes are all red which makes the hues of blue in his eyes stand out that much more. But the color is still dull, like there's no life inside.

"I'm sorry," Draco blurts out. He flips back on his side to look at me, and then down ashamedly. "I shouldn't cry, it's not right of me."

"No, no, no. You have to cry, Draco. You're being so silly. Your emotions are valid and you need a way to express them, keeping them away will only make things worse. Don't you feel better? After getting that all out?" I raise my eyebrows in a worried manner, watching him sniffle and peer at me like a wounded animal.

"I do. I do feel better. Thank you, Jo." It's the first time he's used my nickname, and for some reason it makes a flutter in my chest.

A corner of my mouth quirks up into a smile. "I told you that I would be here for you, did I not? C'mon, I'm not going to make you change or anything but maybe seeing your friend will help you get closer to acceptance. And you've missed him, right? Even just a little bit?"

Draco nods. "Yeah, I'll see him. But you'll stand next to me right? It'll make me feel better."

I nod. "Of course."

He sits up before standing to walk over to the bathroom. When he comes out a few minutes later his hair looks a lot more tamed and his eye bags have lessened a bit. He gestures for me to go walk with him and Draco leads the way out of the hallway, just in time to hear a loud knock on the door.

I can hear a few people rushing to the door, and quiet feet behind them. Anna is there first, followed by Ollie cursing that she beat him and Romeo and Daphne quietly laughing behind. Draco and I meet them by there and I go to stand by Daphne and give her a hug. She's still feeling a bit strained with Anna.

With it being his friend, Draco goes to open the door. But what's on the other side shocks us all. Instead of just a boy, there's two girls accompanying him, one with pin straight dark brown hair and the other with a short black bob. Blaise, who I gather is the one guy, has dark skin and very short curly hair atop his head. He's a severe looking person, intimidating a bit like how Draco was when they first met.

But the only thing on Draco's face is bewilderment. "Pansy? Astoria? What're you doing here?"


	19. old money

I can already tell this is going to be a massive disaster. Firstly, I remember Draco telling me that Blaise is the only one who knows of his whereabouts. Which means that he probably, well, definitely isn't pleased to see these two girls here with him. Secondly, I really want to know what the deal is with these girls. The one with the black bob is staring at my roommates and I like we're the vermin of the earth or something. The other girl doesn't seem particularly interested in anything, her eyes look a quite bit spaced out.

Blaise however, looks quite annoyed by the two. He has an unimpressed look on his face and he's dressed up more than Draco. No wonder they're friends.

Draco pulls Blaise to the side and they both begin to angrily whisper to each other. I could try to hear them but surprisingly they're very quiet. It's a shame for Ollie because I can already see him tripping over his feet trying to get closer inconspicuously.

Romeo takes the reigns at the front by introducing himself to the girls, trying to use his charming smile to wipe the disgusted face off of the black haired girl's face. She steps out of the way and the airy looking girl with very long brown hair takes his hand in a shake instead. She has medium brown eyes, the color matching her hair but not quite dark enough that you can't really tell apart the pupil. Her eyes seem a bit empty though.

"I'm Astoria," she introduces herself with a sickly sweet voice. She has a very conventional sort of beauty, the type of beauty you'd see on a model in a Vogue magazine. And to match she's fairly tall too, but with her proper looking stance it makes her all the bit taller. She would be intimidating if it wasn't for the harmless feeling she gives off.

Romeo immediately seems to like her. I mean, she is only a few inches smaller than his height which I guess makes it easier since he doesn't have to look down to talk to her like he does with me, Daphne, and Anna.

"So what're you doing 'round here? Not that I don't love meeting new people, don't get me wrong, but we were just expecting Draco's friend. Blaise, right?" Romeo notes. He's a bit blunt, but not in a bad way. He's a sweetheart but I do like how he speaks his mind in the way he does. I think the world could do with a bit more honesty than it already contains. Like white lies, I can't stand those. What's the point of lying to someone's face just to save their feelings? It'll never work out in the end. It just seems like the recipe for disaster.

Astoria laughs. She doesn't really seem offended by it the least. "Well you see, I'm actually just starting my last year of school and I practically begged Blaise to let me come along with him to wherever he was going. You see, after I graduate we're set to be married... like in an arranged sort of manner. Our parents are high in society so it's rather expected and my mum wanted us to spend most of our time together before that happens. He was making up excuses and all for where he was going but I made sure that I'd get to come along. Didn't really expect for us to end up here though."

Arranged marriage? I feel like this has been brought up before but I can't really put my finger on it. It's so strange though, like their little community of old money families has this weird sort of private world away from the rest of us. And the thought that there is probably incest incorporated somewhere in there if this has been an old tradition... it almost makes me shudder. It really makes you wonder what type of people Draco and his friends really are.

"Strange, that is." Romeo remarks, a frown upon his face. "You get no choice in who you want to marry?"

Astoria shrugs. "No marriage, no money. I don't want to end up like some people, if you know what I mean. There's nothing wrong with that of course, but I'd rather be sad and rich than poor and happy. At least I can cry in a diamond necklace and designer instead of a ratty old dress."

Fair enough, she has a point. I would probably take the opposite choice though, not because I have no desire for money but my longing for happiness is a much larger concern in my mind.

The other girl, Pansy, has made her way over to where Blaise and Draco are talking, not paying too much attention but occasionally looking up at Draco with a particular look in her eye. I can't put my finger quite on it but it makes me a bit uncomfortable for some reason. But there's no real reason for my stomach to be churning, I barely even know him.

Daphne nudges me on the shoulder. "Should we introduce ourselves or wait to be introduced?" She whispers to me, looking around the room and side eyeing things through her glasses. It seems that both of us have a bit of nervousness around new people, even if I make it a bit more subtle than she does.

However, Anna makes the decision for us. She waves her hand in the air to beckon us over, exclaiming, "Daphne! Jo! Come over here and meet Astoria!" She and Ollie have joined the conversation with her and I guess Daphne and I are the only ones that haven't really socialized.

We talk with Astoria for a bit and she seems kind, if a bit tone deaf and airy but nice overall. I know she probably doesn't realize how a few of her comments make a few of us stiffen, but I know her heart is in the right place. She probably doesn't realize that none of us are rich even though we live in such a large house.

After ten minutes or so of Draco and Blaise whispering to each other they join the rest of the group, Pansy trailing behind. I wonder if that was an often occurrence. I notice Draco rolling his eyes at her once or twice. Surprisingly, Astoria seems to cozy up to him a bit too while saying hello before going back to stand next to Blaise. They look like a well matched up couple, both looking expensive and intimidating with their tallness and model like faces.

As Pansy is closer to the group I can notice that she's a bit on the shorter side, closer to Daphne's height but still a few inches above me. Her hair is brown but it's dark enough that you can't really distinguish the difference between black. Her eyes are dark like that too, and the scowl upon her face only seems to severe her features. She would be pretty if she loosened out a bit, I think.

Draco clears his throat a bit loudly. "Sorry for taking so long to introduce you Blaise, these are my roommates." He runs down the uneven line of us as Blaise runs his eyes over each and shakes their hands. When it comes to me he looks at me with an almost subtly different expression, one I can't put my finger quite on. His handshake is firm and you can tell that he's worked on it, probably on the business side of things.

After that introduction he brings Pansy over to the front. She smiles up at Draco when he puts his arm around her shoulder to drag her over. "And this is Pansy. We were also friends in school. And you've all met Astoria."

The rest of the day's visit is fairly awkward, most of us not expecting the company. Astoria was fairly social and seemed to get on with Anna and Blaise told us a few watered down stories from when he and Draco were closer in school. He's actually quite outgoing and charming, he has this sort of glint in his eye that suggests that he's a bit mischievous while still keeping the sense that he's still very refined. I can see how the engagement between him and Astoria would work out well.

On the other hand, Pansy does not seem to eager to interact much. Her voice is sickly sweet whenever she talks to one of the boys she knows but when Daphne tried to say something to Pansy her response sounded more like an angry hiss than actual words. I wonder if she has something against people who aren't as wealthy as her. I can't really think of anything else she wouldn't like about us, I mean we barely know her.

I notice that she keeps on whispering things to Draco making his jaw clench every time, almost as if he's angry or off put with what she's saying. I look over to him from the corner where I'm speaking with Astoria and he meets my gaze in a pleading manner. I try to show him an expression that he can interpret to "one minute" or something along the lines of that. I can't just go off to him while I'm in the middle of talking to Astoria about cities to visit, she's a sweetheart and I don't want to be rude.

"So that summer we went to Italy and you would not believe how much sunnier it is compared to England it's almost like being on a whole different continent. You should've seen the tan I got. And those ruins are so neat, like... the way they're so old and things-" Astoria's been on about her different trip recommendations. I do appreciate it but she sure can go on about just about nothing for awhile.

I cut her off at the end of her sentence before she can continue, "Do you mind if I get some wine real quick to bring back? I'm quite thirsty, I can get you a glass too."

"Oh, that would be brilliant! Thanks a lot Jo."

After I get the okay from her I make a beeline to Draco. "Hey," I tap him on the shoulder. He turns around from his discussion and looks at me gratefully. "Do you mind helping me get the wine from the kitchen? I can't reach." A valid excuse, and true either way. I hate being short, I can't reach shit.

"Yeah, of course." Draco says in a quite monotone voice, I can tell he's trying to hide how annoyed he is. What I would give to hear the whole conversation to know what made him this way. He seems like a tough guy but it's funny how he got so torn up about that Pansy girl hanging onto him.

We make it to the kitchen and I grab a few glasses from the cupboard before turning to Draco, who's running his hand through his hair. "You alright?"

He lets out an angry breath. "Fuck no. I can't have an inch of personal space over there, it's like a flashback of the old things and I hate it," Draco confesses.

"If you'd like I can sit over by you, I don't think Astoria will mind. I'm sure she's talking with someone else already."

"Would you?" He looks uncertain, like it would be asking too much.

I smile. "Of course, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself too, and you really shouldn't have to deal with her if you don't want to. Why do you tolerate it?"

"It's just, when I was younger I'd push people off and say these bad things to them, and I'm not gonna stop making teasing jokes or anything but I'm afraid if I start getting angry again I won't be able to stop." Draco says all this while he's turned from me, almost like he's ashamed. He turns back to face me after getting the white wine bottle from a tall shelf.

I take it from him tentatively, frowning. "You need to let out your anger at some point. It's right that you're trying to control it for the sake of others but you need to let it go at some point or it'll build up and set you over edge. Like, just go somewhere empty and scream your heart out if you don't want to hurt someone. But I'm proud of you for realizing it."

As I start on my way back to the living area I barely hear him say it over the sound of voices slowly getting louder.

"God, Jo. I really don't deserve you."


	20. to dance with you

Ever since that visit with the three of Draco's friends, I've been growing a lot more suspicious about him. I feel like there's a lot more to him than he seems to be leading on, the tragedy at his school, his seemingly desperate attempts to get rid of his past, the strange things he doesn't know about. I mean, I don't personally know any old money families but I'm pretty sure they all know what a telephone or pen is, and have rode some sort of subway before.

There isn't much I can do, I don't want to invade his privacy in any way. But there is no harm in paying close attention to the things I've noticed and the things he says. What is out in the open is for everyone to interpret.

Draco is a very smart man, or at least I have been under the impression that he is. He just isn't smarter than me, or cleverer in the sense. Smartness or intelligence and cleverness do not align equally.

However, I am almost completely sure that he is hiding something. Something perhaps, that may be bigger than my mind can imagine. I just have no clue what. With simple logic and thinking you can figure out that he's lying about the little details he gives of his origin.

Given the way he sometimes catching him from saying something else or the strange books on his bookshelf, I'd say something strange is going on with him. I don't know exactly what to do, because I hate being left in the dark but I'm very desperate to figure out. I'm growing too fond of him for me to know nothing.

I wonder if this makes me a hypocrite. I'm not stupid to not realize that I have been doing the same thing, it makes me wonder if Draco has or had the same assumptions and suspicions as I do at the moment.

So to be fair with him, I'll reveal my past part by part. Maybe in doing that I'll find a way to release the pain of it and find an acceptance of it to be able to move on in a way. But I suppose I can only hope.

I open my eyes for the first time in this morning, watching the dust dance through the golden air that the opened curtains allow to show through. Flipping onto my back, I close my eyes once more and settle myself deeper into the soft sheets of my bed.

Why do we have to wake up?

I wish it was socially acceptable to stay in bed all day but there are always things to do. Sluggishly I get out of bed and dress myself. Making my way downstairs, I quickly get a coffee brewing before walking through to collapse on the dining room table.

"Not feeling it today?" An amused voice teasingly asks me.

I lift my head from my arms. Draco's sitting on the other side of the table with a peculiar newspaper set out in front of him.

"Nope," I reply before collapsing my head back into my arms. "What's that newspaper you've got there?"

Draco answers surprisingly easily. "Just one that a family member's father writes. It's fairly local, you wouldn't know of it."

"May I see?" I ask, raising my head once more.

He folds the newspaper back to its original state and crosses his arms. "I doubt your eyes will be sharp enough to distinguish the words, so maybe another time."

Damn it. I wanted an insight. Instead of showing my slight irritation with myself, I reply with, "You're probably right about that," with a too nervous laugh.

Draco doesn't seem to notice too much. He just takes the newspaper, seemingly done with it. After a few moments of consideration he throws it in the trash. My head peeks up to see if it's high enough for me to retrieve it, but even I can tell from here that something's gotten on it already. Fuck.

I sigh and turn my head to look out the window. Maybe I'll go to the beach today? Why not.

I walk to the kitchen and take my coffee to pour it into a travel thermos. Before heading out the door I remember to bring an umbrella; I never checked the weather today and you never know how it'll go.

Heading down the sidewalk that leads to the beach I slowly sip on my coffee, careful not to burn my tongue. The breeze is cool today and feels refreshing against my face. My dress swishes around my legs with each step I take and my hair slowly dances with the wind. I'm carrying my record player so I can listen to music down at the lonely beach. It's one you can carry like a suitcase and pre-charges. The vinyl with its case is in a pocket on the outside.

Once I reach the beach I settle myself on the sand. Seagulls call out to their colonies and the waves hitting the beach make a very relaxing sound. The skies have turned from sunny to grey, looking a bit less inviting now. The light from the morning has faded to its dull midday. It's almost as if the sky is mocking me, taking the sun away. The rain will forever be my favorite but I also love the sun, now more so since I don't see it as often as before. 

I sigh, shaking my head. Setting the record player into my lap, I open it and take the vinyl out from its case. I then place it onto where it sits and gently bring the needle over to the edge. The turntable begins to spin and sweet music fills the air. I recognize this song from before. "Put your head on my shoulder" is what it's called, I believe. I'd know it from anywhere. It's the song that was playing the day my father destroyed my old record player. It was the day a part of the hope in my heart completely and utterly shattered. 

The song continues to seemingly mock me, it's memorizing melody filtering inside my head once again, filling it with the hopeless memories. 

I know I'm being too dramatic, but music is my life. Well, it feels like that I guess. Music is the one thing that will never leave me in the dust or hurt me intentionally. It's the only thing that can completely soothe my mind and soul and not have the possibility of saying goodbye. But music can hold memories too. For me some are more bad than good. 

This one brings back the other times my father has said things to me. 

"Father, I don't want to do soccer anymore," nine year old me said quietly from the backseat of our car. 

I was dreading telling him, but some of the kids were bullying me at the practices because I wasn't very good. But I needed to tell him, because well, I wanted to stop feeling insignificant to the other kids. 

My father stopped the car. "What did you say?" He said calmly.

"I... um, I wanted to stop doing soccer. Is what I said." 

He turned around, facing me. His face was beginning to grow red. This was not a good sign. "Do you know how much money we had to pay for you to do soccer all these years? Just for you to want to quit? It's October. You have to finish the year." 

But no, I had to open my mouth again. "But the other kids on the team say mean things to me," I replied, a tear falling down my cheek. "It makes me feel like I'm a problem."

"Well you have to suck it up. With all this crap you're giving me, maybe you are being a problem." He said, raising his voice a bit. 

More tears continued to fall down my face, hot and mixing with the dirt on my face. "Please, father. I can't do it anymore. I really don't want to. Please don't make me." 

"The world isn't made for people weak like you. If you want to quit soccer then you walk the rest of the way home, that should serve you right!" My father raised his voice to a yell. "So you either stop being a wimp, or you get the hell out of my car!"

Before I could start full on bawling, I hurried out the door. It was only about five minutes away from my house by car and I knew the way, but I didn't want to walk myself. As he slammed his foot on the petal and drove away, my father left me crying in the dirt on the side of the road. It was the first time I realized that he did not care for me one bit, no matter the little efforts he had made me to believe that. 

I made it the rest of the way back, limping slightly and very sore from the whole practice and other children kicking at me. I cried almost the whole way there, feeling very sorry for myself. It was getting dark when I arrived and knocked on the door. My mother answered, a worried look upon her face. It was one of the only nights that she comforted me and felt like a real mother. 

I now realize that I'm full on crying, and the sky is darker than ever. Thunder shouts in the distance, making me flinch. The song is almost over. And I hear footsteps running closer to me. 

Looking up, I see no one but Draco at the edge of the beach, running to me. He looks concerned, surprisingly. After a solid minute he collapses besides me, falling onto his knees and grasping his hands on my shoulders. 

"I thought you left," he says hurriedly. "You didn't say where you were, I got worried." 

My eyes widen with surprise. "You were worried about me?" I say, voice meek. 

Draco looks at me as if I'm crazy. "What do you mean? Of course I was. Why are you crying here?" He asks. 

I shake my head. "It's nothing, please don't worry about me."

"No, I will worry about you. You cared for me when I needed it so please let me do the same for you," Draco returns. "Please, Jo. Tell me what happened," he pleads. 

Sniffling, I rub my sleeve against my nose. "Um, well, this song. The one that's playing right now, it brought back some bad memories. Ones where my father was unkind to me and it just brought out a lot of negative feelings. I'm sorry," I sob. 

Draco looks at me as if he feels completely helpless. "No, no, Jo. Don't feel sorry, there's nothing for you to be sorry for. Everyone has emotions. Even you." He pulls me into his arms, his warm body enveloping mine. He feels so kind and inviting, and it makes me cry even harder. But not out of sadness. 

"Thank you," I whisper into his shoulder. 

He nudges me. "Go, turn that song back over to the beginning." Says Draco. "Trust me." 

I do what he says and he pulls me slowly to my feet. "What are you doing?" I ask. 

"We're taking something associated with a bad memory, and turning it into a good one," he says simply, as if it's the most obvious thing. "Now, put your arms round my neck."

That's when I realize what he wants to do. "We're going to dance?" I ask, letting out a laugh. "How will that help?"

"Well no one can dance and be sad at the same time. It's something that most people enjoy for the sake of becoming happy, and I have formal dance training that I've barely gotten to put to the test." Draco replies as he snakes his arms around my waist, pulling me close. 

We begin to slowly sway side to side, making comments now and then. I see that beautiful smile of his come out slightly. For some reason seeing him like that makes me smile too and brings out a warm feeling in my chest. The old melody that seemed draining before now feels inviting. 

This side of Draco makes me realize that I really don't care about what he's hiding. If it doesn't change how wonderful he is now then I suppose I don't care at all.


	21. scars

Sometimes I absolutely hate the world. The universe. Whoever is responsible for making me.

A lot of times at night I'll lay in my bed and stare up at the ceiling, questioning everything. The thing I question the most is myself, I think. Why am I so imperfect? Why am I never good enough? Why am I never a first choice?

I wonder that if I did everything right people would like me and want me. The thing I want most in the world is to feel desired and cared for. What am I doing so wrong that I can't have that? I just don't understand sometimes. I suppose I just don't deserve any of it. Why is it that the things we crave so desperately always seem to be kept just out of reach?

I suppose part of life is making sacrifices. Heroes make sacrifices all the time to save the world. They would sacrifice themselves and other people they love just for the sake of saving the existence of humanity. I don't think I'm like that. If I loved someone so desperately like that I would never sacrifice them. If I were in a story I would be the villain. Heroes would sacrifice you for the world, but villains would sacrifice the world all for you. And loving someone so much that you would destroy everything for them sounds a lot more like something I would do. Maybe that's why I can't have the things I desire. Because if I were in a story, I'd be the villain.

I've been the villain from the start. I'm the villain of my parents' lives, destroying it by being born and ending up a disappointment. I'm the villain in my friends' lives, leaving them out of nowhere and making them sick of worry. I'm the villain of my future lover's life too, and they don't even know. Because I know that I'm their doom, their end. I'm the fire that will set off their bomb, making them crumble to pieces.

No good comes out of my existence, so why am I still here? A single tear falls from my eye, traveling it's way down my cheek to absorb into my bed sheets. One of many, I'm sure.

Sitting up, I rub my eyes so that no more tears may fall out. The heels of my feet meet the floor as I stand up to leave my room. The moon is still high in the sky, shining into my room with its beautiful ghost-like light. The sun may be the thing to warm my skin but the moon will always hold a special place in my heart. Its beauty is unmatched by anything else in the sky, it's as if it protects me.

I make my way out of my bedroom, feet making small creaks on the small floor with each step I take. The moonlight shines through the windows and if you were in America, only the faint sound of crickets would fill the air. Even with the windows shut you could still hear them as if they're sitting right by your ear. It would get quite annoying at home, but here it's almost silent. Everything is the contrast I needed but there are small things that I still miss from back home.

Making my way downstairs I hear a faint sound. One that you might think could be produced only in your head, but you're very sure that it's real. Straying away from the way that would lead me to the backyard, I instead start making my way towards where the sound resides. I find myself making my way through the hallway that leads to the library, the piano music growing louder and louder with each step. Now I know that I'm not completely imagining it in my head.

The piano music is angry, almost. Whoever's playing seems to be angry at the world in some way. I'm surprised that nobody realizes that this is going on in the middle of the night. Then again, this house is gigantic. It's almost impossible to hear anything from this one remote area.

I peer through the open doorway, hoping that my presence hasn't been noticed yet. In the center of the room where the piano is being played, someone's back is facing me. But with the almost white colored hair on his head gives away exactly who it is.

Draco is angrily playing, slamming the keys of the piano down and still managing to make it sound beautiful. The feel of whatever song he's playing is incredibly intense, but with him I'm sure he could make anything intense.

I wait for him to finish playing, propped up against the wall in a (probably) awkward manner. After a few moments he turns around and notices me in the corner as he slowly drags his eyes through the room, as if taking a mental picture to store in memory. When Draco notices me his eyes widen and he whispers a swear while almost falling off of the piano seat.

Letting out a light giggle I hurry forward and help him back up, but to stand instead. Draco's still a lot taller than me but it doesn't feel so intimidating anymore.

He looks at me with a throughly confused expression. "What're you doing here so late at night?" He asks, voice a bit lower than normal.

I shiver. "I couldn't sleep and I was going to head outside but I heard the piano playing. Was to curious not to come see who was playing at a time like this."

Draco nods, staring into my eyes, clear to my stormy ones. "Guess sleep just can't seem to catch the best of us," he replies while letting go of the hand of mine that was still linked with his.

"Yeah," I breathe out. "Why were you playing that, may I ask?"

"Erm... I was just doing it out of habit. Whenever I couldn't sleep before I would go and play piano because it soothed me, I suppose. Does that sound stupid?" Draco asks nervously. I wonder who he was before, this boy in front of me who stumbles upon finding the right words and nervous face doesn't match the demeanor he seems to emit.

I nod my head in agreement. "It's the same thing I use music for. It's like the only true comfort I really have, the one constant thing that's helped me through life this whole time. I understand that."

Draco briefly smiles for a moment, absorbing my words. I just notice then that he isn't wearing a shirt. I try to subtly look, he has softly defined abs that contrast his sharp shoulder blades which match his jawline. It makes me realize that he's never taken off his shirt or even worn a short sleeved one before. The two things giving away why he doesn't show clearly. One, a large bandage wrapped around his entire lower arm, and two, a few long slashes on the front of his chest.

He notices my gaze after a minute and hurries to grab the sweatshirt abandoned on the ground. I quickly reach out my hand to Draco's non-bandaged arm, making him turn around.

"You don't have to put that back on, Draco. It's hot out tonight, there's nothing wrong." I say quietly.

He lets out a labored breath. "Do the scars on my chest not bother you?" He asks, muttering out the words quieter than me.

Shaking my head, I reply, "No. Scars aren't much different from birthmarks, are they? They're just marks upon your skin. Sure, these ones have different stories but they aren't anything to be ashamed of."

"If you knew where they were from you would hate me. Especially the one on my left forearm. You'd hate me, just like everyone else does." Draco has a pained expression on his face.

"Draco, whatever that mark was for, do you regret it?" I ask gently.

"With everything I have," he replies.

I smile. "Well then I have nothing to be angry over. If you've changed now what's the point of becoming angry at you for a thing you don't even follow? For a thing that happened to you before we even met? Sure, whatever this is may upset me. But I can't get angry or upset at you for it because you're a different person now. I do notice, you know. I notice how wary you are around everyone. I notice when you flinch whenever someone touches you. Whatever happened to you clearly wasn't your decision."

Draco surprises me deeply when he delicately wraps his arms around my waist, almost as if he's afraid I'm glass and could break at any moment. "No one's ever told me something like that before. No one's ever seemed to care or understand like you do."

"If they haven't then they aren't looking hard enough. Because I don't see someone bad when I look at you, I just see someone lost." I whisper, holding him tight.

"I see that too, when I look at you," Draco whispers back into my ear. "We haven't revealed many of our secrets to each other yet, but I want to know all of yours. I want to get rid of all of the pain you feel, please don't hide it from me," he pleads.

I nod. "Then you have to promise the same to me. Don't hide because I won't judge."

"Then I'll show you," Draco pulls back. He slowly starts to unwrap the bandage around his left arm. It doesn't seem to be dirty at all. After it's revealed, all I see is some sort of faded snake tattoo and so many red scars around you can barely make out the other shape. Some of the scars look old and faded while others look like they were cut only a week before. I almost gasp, but it would give the wrong reaction so I barely hold myself back.

Tentatively, I reach my right hand out to his arm, looking into Draco's eyes to see if it's okay. He looks at me as if to say, it's okay, and I gently touch my hand to his arm. The surface of his skin is very bumpy and cold, the raised scars making criss crossed lines. It doesn't look clean or anything, it's a horrible mess. It looks almost like his arm is about to be torn apart. A lone tear falls down my cheek. I knew that first one wouldn't be the only I'd shed tonight.

My voice comes out cracked and confused. "Why- why would you do this to yourself?" I whisper.

"Because it was the only way to get rid of that dreadful fucking mark, it still doesn't work but if I try enough it has to go away... right?" Draco's voice trembles.

"You can't cut all of your skin away, it won't help anything. All it will do is hurt," I softly bring my hand down so it holds his. "I had the urge to do that to my arm too, but I couldn't bring myself to. So next time you want it gone please come to me instead of hurting yourself. Because seeing this hurts me too."

I notice a tear falling down Draco's cheek. "Okay. Thank you Jo, I'll never be able to show how grateful I am for you."

"Take care of yourself. That will show me how grateful you are," I reply. "Maybe... would you come and lay next to me? We both can't fall asleep so it's worth a try. Unless you don't-"

He squeezes the hand that's holding his. "No, no, no. I want to. It worked last time we fell asleep, it'll work again I'm sure."

"Okay," I smile.

We both head out of the library, the only sound following us out is our footsteps, not the piano. When we reach my room I head in first and Draco is the first to lay down on my bed. I nervously head over, it's different this time because we're both completely sober. I lay down next to him, facing the opposite way.

"Jo?" Draco whispers.

"Yes?" I reply.

"Could I maybe hold you? Just to sleep."

A warm feeling blooms in my chest. "Yeah," I say very faintly.

A hand makes its way around my waist and pulls me against Draco's warm chest. He's holding me close like he depends on it, and it feels so comforting to me. I don't remember the last time someone held me.

After a few moments, the world fades away and my dreams come to greet me.


End file.
